


Lost

by Kate_Shepard



Series: Lost and Found [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Death, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Marriage, Shrios
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-07-19 08:13:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7353016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate_Shepard/pseuds/Kate_Shepard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Shepard and Thane find each other, they know their time is limited but they have no idea how truly short it is. A tale of love and loss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first ever fanfic. Go easy on me. I got better! It sticks pretty close to canon (much closer than I usually go now). There is some dialogue taken directly from the games but I tried to cut most of it out and use what I did to identify the scenes within the timeline. Some scenes take place during missions but I've edited as much as I could to keep this from just being a rewrite of the game with minor changes. I've posted it because I do like the story and because I also like seeing how much I've grown as a writer since writing it.  
> Part two is a literal AU.

Thane Krios slips from shadow to shadow, the soft soles of his boots making no trace of a sound as he presses a finger to his lips. The group of frightened salarians don't react to his presence and the mercenary has only an instant to register his fate before his spine is severed and he drops limply to the floor. "You will be safe here," he tells the workers quietly and locks the door to the room they are cowering in. He has brought death to many who deserved it and, occasionally, to some who did not but these are not his targets. They do not need to die and he has time for compassion. This is to be his last job. He will not rush it.

His target has been alerted to his coming but it does not matter. It is unlikely that he will live to collect the final portion of his fee but she will die before they send him to the sea. For a brief moment, he can see the waves of the Encompassing sparkling like sapphires, hear the laughter of the hanar like that of a child's, feel the warm rain sprinkling his cheeks like tears, smell the brine of the air. _Soon,_ he thinks, _but not yet._ He is not afraid of death. He has dealt it for most of his life and has known for years that he would feel its embrace long before his natural time. The prospect of his body's death is something he has accepted from childhood. In truth, he has been dead for most of his life. Irikah had changed that for a brief period, but even her love and that of their son was not enough to keep him Whole.

The scent of spice on the spring wind invades his nostrils. His eyes can see the tremble of the laser dot, the sunset eyes defiant in the scope, the movement of her lips as she forms the words that had woken something in him. Arashu. It was the only time he had not completed a hit. That moment had changed his life. She had brought him out of his battle sleep and he had, if not loved her, admired and respected her. He knew that she had come to love him. He had cared for her, enough so that he had requested release from the Compact in order to marry her, had fathered a child with her, but not enough to make him stay and she had died because of it. When she did, his soul, already disconnected, had resumed its sleep and there it had remained for ten years. It was long past time for his body to do the same.

An explosion shakes the floor and rattles the glass in the window behind him. He freezes in place. Gunfire rattles below and screams of the dying filter through the layers of steel and concrete between them. Has the contractor hired another to complete the job? No, his employer knows his skill. Has the target called in reinforcements? If so, there would be no reason for them to fight each other. One thing is certain. Someone is seeking his target. This is an unknown but it changes little. He will reach the target. However, he will now need to hurry. 

He slips into an elevator shaft and pulls himself up by the taut cables. The leather in his gloves grips the twisted metal and the soft soles of his boots allow him to use his feet as well to propel himself up. He hears the car in the next shaft rise and watches as it passes by to carry what can only be his opponent to the floor above him. He reaches it and swings himself over onto the top of the car, landing lightly in a crouch. He peers through the gaps of a vent in the wall and watches as a turian male in full silver armor with a glowing visor over one eye, a tall, lithe human female clothed in black with a hood covering her head, and a short, slim human female in navy armor with a pale camouflage pattern wearing an orange visor that covers both of her eyes step out and approach an oblivious mercenary speaking into his comm with his back to the group. 

It is the smaller female who takes the lead while the other two flank her, guarding her rear. His rival is a woman. She spins the mercenary around and begins to question him. To Thane's surprise, it is not his target in whom she is interested. It is him. She is not a rival, then, but a pursuer. The hunter has become the hunted. The mercenary resists but she continues questioning him. Her voice is smooth and calm without a trace of apprehension or frustration. When the mercenary refuses to give her the information she seeks she shoves him through the window with an almost careless motion. She shows no hesitation in killing to get to him. She watches the mercenary fall before turning to face her companions and his breath catches.

She is ethereal. He pays little attention to drell women and even less to those of other species, particularly humans. However, there is something about this one that draws him. He has no frame of reference for human standards of beauty but there is something about her that transcends even the physical grace of her features that makes him believe that she would be considered alluring in any species despite the faint scars that line her face. He has never found scars to be unappealing, especially those attained for noble purpose. They are, to him, the marks of a warrior's spirit, of courage and strength, and they give character to their bearer in a way that unmarred skin cannot. 

She is very small but she radiates confidence and authority. She is accustomed to command and to being taken seriously in spite of her stature. She moves within the armor as though she is as accustomed to its weight as she is her own skin. She wears no helmet and her hair falls to her chin in a smooth bob held back from her face by the visor. She wears none of the face paint that her kind so often seem to prefer but needs nothing to enhance her delicate features. Her nose is straight and pert, her cheekbones high and defined, her jaw straight and firm. 

However, it is her mouth and her eyes which entrance him the most. Her mouth for it is lush and soft, its subtle movements transmitting her thoughts. She glances up and the angle she is at allows him to see her eyes behind the visor. He reads in them no remorse, only a steady determination. It is this contrast between the message sent by her eyes and that of her mouth, that fascinates him. One says that she is cold, hard, ruthless. The other speaks of softness, humor, and warmth. Which is she? 

Memory threatens to surface and he calls on a lifetime of training to push it away. This is no time for solipsism. Why is she here? She replaces her pistol with a sniper rifle, drawing the gun over her shoulder with a practiced motion and extending the stock and barrel with a flick of her wrist, and he knows that the time for watching is over. He stifles a twinge of regret and compartmentalizes his curiosity for a later time. He has little doubt that there will be time for it later. After all, she knows who his target is and she is coming to him. How far will she go to do so? What is her purpose here? Does she intend to stop him? He hopes that is not the case. He would hate to have to kill her. 

She leads her companions out of the room to the skybridge connecting the two towers. They follow without hesitation and he sees a portion of a profile and the shimmer of a cloak before the taller female vanishes. With his altered vision, he can make out the woman's shape though he still does not see her as he did before. He sees the cloak itself. Recognition triggers. Kasumi Goto. She is to thieves what he is to assassins and yet she is clearly not in charge of this mission. This gets stranger and stranger. He slips into the maintenance shaft beneath the skybridge and listens to the sounds of battle above as he crosses undetected. He is once more ahead of her. 

The target has surrounded herself with guards, both human and asari commandos. That is just as well for him. Let her be lulled into a false sense of security. It will only make his task easier. He glides through the shadows and enters a ventilation shaft where he soundlessly makes his way to the room in which Nassana Dantius is hiding. He has her where he wants her. Now he will wait for his little huntress to appear as well. When she does, one of his questions is answered. He will have the rest. 

He is surprised again when he hears Nassana address her by name. Commander Shepard. He had not realized.... He also had not expected the hero of the Citadel to be so...diminutive and yet so forceful. His curiosity grows. He waits long enough to ascertain that she is not, in fact, there to stop him from killing Nassana, nor is she there to do it herself. Her purpose appears to be something entirely unrelated. There is only one way to discover it. Nassana's attention is fully on the huntress but her guards' are not. He allows his foot to bend the metal of the shaft, sending the room into chaos. The huntress and her companions are the sole point of calm in the room. Perfect.

___

 

"All the credits in the world won't make this problem go away, Nassana," Shepard says, crossing her arms casually over her chest. She is enjoying seeing Nassana try to barter her way out of this. The truth is, if Shepard had wanted to kill her, she'd be dead already.

"Who gave you the right to play god?" Nassana demands. "I may not be perfect, but look at you. We both kill people for money. What's the difference?"

"You kill people because you think they're beneath you, they're in your way. I kill people when they leave me no choice," Shepard says as the sound of metal flexing comes from overhead. The guards' attention leaves her and they scan the ceiling. It seems the assassin has arrived.

"You've got a choice. You don't have to do this. I can tell you—what?" she snaps at the asari commando beside her.

"I heard something," the commando says.

"Damn it," Nassana curses, leaning forward on the desk that separates them. "Check the other entrances." The commando begins to walk away and she looks at Shepard. "You. Stay put." There's a blur behind Nassana. "When I'm finished dealing with this nuisance," the drell clasps a hand over the taller human guard's mouth and snaps his neck, "you and I are going to—" the drell turns and crushes the throat of the second human with his hand, "Who?" she asks as she turns. A pistol appears in the drell's hand as if by magic. He shoots the commando, throws his gun behind his back as he spins, catches it at her waist, and pulls the trigger. 

The crunches of bone and the quiet coughs of the pistol are the only sounds he's made. The entire thing took mere seconds and Shepard is still trying to register what she's seen when Nassana grunts and he lays her back gently onto the desk. Holy shit. This guy is _good_. She's never seen anyone move that fast. She's still trying to figure out where he came from while he folds her hands reverently across her chest. Oddly, he folds his own hands and bows his head as though he's praying but she must be misinterpreting the gesture. Do assassins even believe in a god?

Garrus, unphased, says, "Impressive. You certainly know how to make an entrance." Kasumi has her gun drawn on him. 

Shepard is stunned and somewhat confused by her own reaction to the drell. She's never thought they were particularly attractive. Green skin has never really done it for her. Well, there was that one time, but she was drunk. That didn’t count. But this one...there's something about him. When he moves, it's with a sliding sort of grace as though he's fully aware of the capabilities of his own body and completely comfortable with it. The way he slid into the room and darted through, moving so quickly she could barely see him, was astounding and strangely sexy. He's slim but not thin and is dressed simply in a fitted tee shirt under a leather jacket and skintight pants. It's clothing designed for stealth—there will be no whisper of fabric to give him away—but he's suave as well. She can see lean, hard muscle through his clothing. The setting sun behind him beams down through the windows, casting a halo around him that makes him look like an avenging angel.

Shepard steps forward. He's still standing with his head bowed and she can't tell if he actually is praying or meditating or just ignoring her. "I was hoping to talk to you," she says, wanting to get his attention.

"I apologize," he says, "but prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken." His voice is deep and reminds her of a big cat’s purr. It sends chills racing down her spine. 

She's fascinated, both by him and her body's uncustomary response to him. "Do you really think she deserves it?" Shepard asks.

His brow creases as though he's thinking and he says softly, "Not for her. For me." She finally has his attention. The lenses of his eyes are almost black, though she can see the glow of his irises behind them. A thin, straight nose is bracketed by high cheekbones under which dark red skin rests beneath a smooth fringe. His lips are fuller than most human males while somehow being completely masculine, especially set in their hard line as they are now. The bones that form his eyebrows are expressive. Above them, his brow is comprised of elegantly shaped plates centered by a pentagonal black one. His head is smooth and hairless—hair seems to be a purely human trait—and bisected by a short ridge of bone. More bony plates extend back from his head. She imagines that if he did have hair it would be dark and swept back, just a little too long to be spiky. She freezes, stunned. It can’t be...

He holsters his gun and glides around the table, every movement both calculated and full of lethal grace. "The measure of an individual can be difficult to discern by actions alone. Take you, for instance. All this destruction...chaos. I was curious to see how far you'd go to find me." He stops in front of her and, after sparing a final glance at Nassana, says, "Well, here I am." Both his tone and expression are cold and send a chill racing down her spine. Does he remember her? She pushes the thought away as she explains their purpose. It doesn’t matter. Their mission is too big to allow a single chance meeting long ago to interfere.

His voice takes on that thoughtful tone again. He looks out the window. "This was to be my last job. I'm dying." Again, matter-of-fact, not fearful. "Low survival odds don't concern me. The abduction of your colonists does."

"Dying?" she asks. This wasn't in the dossier or Liara's information. "Are you contagious? How long do you have?" Maybe it's not the most sensitive way to respond but if he's going to treat it as not a big deal then so is she. They all could die on this mission. And if not then, when the Reapers attack if she can't stop them. Hell, she already has. It wasn't that bad. Like being asleep.

"If you're interested, we can discuss it on your ship. The problem isn't contagious and it won't affect my work."

That's all she needs to hear. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Giving me this opportunity is enough. The universe is a dark place. I'm trying to make it brighter before I die. Many innocents died today. I wasn't fast enough and they suffered. I must atone for that. I will work for you, Shepard. No charge."

He extends his hand and they shake. The contact is electric but her tone is business-like as she says, "Good to have you on board."

___

Shepard hesitates by the door to the life support room. Curiosity wars with dread. She wants to learn more about this killer who protects innocents, feels their loss on his conscience, and prays for what he sees as his own wickedness but she can’t afford distractions and he has the potential to be a major distraction. _Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the worlds…._ Squaring her shoulders, she strides through the door. This is her ship, her crew, her mission. They’re both adults and she saw no flicker of recognition on his face. He probably doesn’t even remember her. 

He sits at a table, his elbows propped on its surface and his hands clasped together. He doesn't move as she walks in and she wonders if he's praying again but he says, "Do you need something?"

"You said you were dying," she says bluntly.

"Yes," he says calmly and explains the nature of his illness. " I think it's safe to say that by the time my body is incapacitated, we'll either be victorious or dead. Either way, I won't be a burden to you." 

He still hasn’t looked at her. Is she imagining the bite to his tone? Or is it in response to the edge she’s having a hard time keeping out of hers? "I wasn't worried about that," she tells him. 

"My people are native to an arid world," he explains. "Most of us now live on Kahje, the hanar homeworld. It's very humid and rains every day. Our lungs can't deal with the moisture. Over time, the tissue loses its ability to absorb oxygen. It becomes harder to breathe. Eventually, we suffocate."

 _I died that way_ , she thinks with a shudder. It's her worst nightmare. Suffocation hurts. Every part of your body screams for air and you fight and fight to breathe to relieve the pain and yet breathing does no good. She would never wish that kind of end for him. Her enemies, yes. But this man has goodness in him even if he is a killer. As much as Jacob may not want to admit it, they're all killers here. 

She stands as he tells her more about his people, his beliefs, his training. That pisses her off but he defends the big, stupid jellyfish. They _cared_. Oh. Well. That makes it okay, then. Right. Children. They use children. Disgusting. She has to admit, though, it does have a certain brilliance to it. Who would see a child as a threat? Especially a little green boy with big, dark eyes in an innocent-looking face. 

_Humans have a term for this_ , she thinks as he talks about honor and debts. _Stockholm Syndrome._ They may have saved the drell but they haven't hesitated to take advantage of them; allowing, if not encouraging, them to view them as their saviors and thus turning a proud people into second-class citizens. They've even convinced them not to leave. If they aren't actually slaves, they're not much more free. The hanar have seen to that through social pressure. It's disgusting. No group with any real strength would do that to another. 

"But you don't kill for the hanar anymore," she points out. "You're freelance. What changed?" 

"I was asleep for a long time, yes. I paid no attention to what my body was asked to do. But then..." His eyes lock as his face takes on a faraway look. "Laser dot trembles on his skull. One finger-twitch, he dies. Then the smell of spice on the spring wind. Sunset-colored eyes defiant in the scope. The laser dances away…. My apologies. Drell slip into memories so easily." Huh. It's like he's present in the memory. Not just perfect recall, but perfect reliving. Does he remember everything? If so, then...oh God. She stumbles her way through the remainder of the conversation until she can escape and leaves with more questions than she had coming in.  
   
Shepard briefs the crew on the way to the Collector ship. They’re excited. ‘About damn time’ is the most common sentiment, especially from those who’d been aboard when they were hit the first time. Shepard isn't the only one looking for a little payback. They formulate a loose plan, but without more information about what they’re getting into, there’s little else they can do. She chooses Thane and Garrus for her team and they disperse to get ready.

The ship floats in the void like a dirty bug’s nest. Revulsion washes through her as they approach. If this is what it looks like from the outside, she really, really doesn’t want to go inside. She has a bad feeling about this and her instincts are very rarely wrong. They don’t have a choice, though. They need information and this is the only way they can get it. EDI assures her that most of the ship’s systems are offline and their thrusters are cold. It appears they’re dead in the water. That doesn’t make her gut feel any better.

“We’re good, Shepard,” Garrus says about the turians when he takes his seat, “but a single patrol and no visible damage? I don’t think we’re that good. I don’t like this.”

“Neither do I. We need that ship, though.”

“I know. Just keep your guard up.”

“My guard is always up,” she says absently, staring at the helmet in her lap as fear coalesces. The Collector ship is rotating so they should have gravity but it doesn’t have air. She has to wear her breather. She doesn’t want to put it on. She's not afraid of the giant bug ship that’s been stealing humans for God only knows what purpose, but she's terrified of putting her helmet on. She can feel herself starting to hyperventilate. What if the seals rupture? What if she can’t breathe? Thane kneels in front of her and takes her helmet and examines it carefully. “It’s good, Commander,” he assures her, looking at her curiously. 

“I got spaced,” she explains. “My seals ruptured and I suffocated. I’ve had some...issues...with breathers since. Don’t worry. I can handle it.”

“I understand, Commander,” he says seriously and she guesses he does. "If you will stand, I will perform a gear check on you." She stands and turns her back to him. She can feel his hands trailing over the flexible material and she has a quick flash of them doing the same on her bare skin before she shakes off the memory. This isn’t the time. "All is as it should be, Commander," he assures her.

___

"Let's move, people!" Shepard exclaims, swapping her rifle for her pistol as they begin to run. Thane draws his own and stays close to her while Garrus provides the rear guard with his assault rifle. They're deep in the ship and Thane knows the Collectors won't let them out easily. He is concerned about the bullet wound in her shoulder and watches her closely, wishing they had time to stop and apply medi-gel. They have to go but their progress is slowed by waves of Collectors and, in each, Harbinger appears, sending his voice worming through him. 

There are husks as well and Thane breaks off from her to take advantage of his speed and maneuverability. While Garrus and Shepard focus on beating back the Collectors, he takes on the advancing husks. They're not intelligent and they don't seem capable of using weapons, but they're fast and strong and they come in force. They swarm and take you down. They don't have a chance with Thane, though. He knows that he is poetry in motion as he moves like water through them, feeling the bones in their necks separate as he goes. He decapitates those who get close and fires on others with his pistol. He takes damage from a few who jump onto his back while he is breaking the neck of another, but shakes them off easily.

They work their way back to the extraction point as quickly as they can. By the time they reach the anteroom leading out of the ship, they're bloody and exhausted and in pain. EDI tells Shepard she's opening a door on the far side of the room and he hears her sigh of relief when she sees it. They're almost free. He's just beginning to hope they can make it out without taking further damage when a giant, flying crab-bug creature zooms around the corner and they dive behind a low wall. Husks swarm in behind it but Thane can't get out of cover to work because of its laser eyes. He draws his pistol and begins picking them off while Garrus fires his assault rifle and Shepard pulls out the strange particle beam gun she carries. While she's drawing it, Thane throws a warp field at the creature, following it with a throw field at the husks.

The crab-bug thing has barriers in addition to the armor coating him. The particle beam weakens its barriers but even a direct hit doesn't take it down. They don't stop. When the husks are dispatched, Thane turns to help her with the crab-bug. She has to stand to fire and she tries to time her shots while he's recharging his laser, but she misjudges and the laser sears the side of her abdomen. It gets Garrus, too, and Thane hears him grunt but they don't stop. The creature flies closer, taking away the advantage of the only cover in the large room, and Thane throws a biotic barrier around them. The barrier requires a massive amount of energy and they are all already weakened and exhausted, but he is determined to shield her. He can feel the laser trying to carve away at the barrier and pushes back harder.

After what feels like an eternity, the thing crashes to the ground and they run for the door. It slams shut as they reach it and they dive back out of the way. EDI directs them to another doorway across the room and they put their backs to each other as they cross and Thane throws up another barrier, though he is exhausted now, he pushes himself to hold it for as long as it takes. They are in the open here and if another creature like that comes for them, it will kill them without cover. 

They move quickly but cautiously and make it through this door without incident but more Collectors are waiting for them. The sound of gunfire clatters around him as they fire indiscriminately now, all of them just wanting out. They don't bother taking cover, just fire as they run. Shepard curses as she loads her last thermal clip and Thane prays to Amonkirah that the barrier will hold. Garrus' face is a mask of grim determination. They finally make it to the extraction point and dive into the shuttle. When the door clangs shut and they feel it lift off, they collapse onto the floor together, breathing heavily. 

"Are you all right, Thane?" Shepard asks, ripping off her breather helmet.

"I am fine," he answers. "I have some cuts and scrapes but nothing life-threatening."

"Can you breathe?" she asks, revealing the source of her concern.

"Yes," he says. "I'm out of breath because we ran a marathon through gunfire and laser beams, not because I am ill."

"Good," she says. "Garrus, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Nothing Dr. Chakwas can't fix back on the ship. What about you?"

"I've got some holes in me I didn't have before and that laser got my side," she tells him, "but I'll make it."

"I don't know why they're so determined to kill you," he says. "They did it once and all it did was piss you off."

"This is a story I would like to hear if you would tell it," Thane says, passing her a packet of medi-gel. "I have heard rumors, of course, but I have yet to hear it from you."

"Once I've had my say with the Illusive Man, I'll tell you all about it," she promises.

Shepard dismisses the crew and stops by Dr. Chakwas. Karin patches her up and she goes up to her quarters for a shower before seeking the crew out individually. The group meetings give her an idea as to the general consensus but she discovers much more from talking to each of them on their own. Jacob is pissed but eager to move forward. Miranda, despite her public defense of the Illusive Man, is just as angry. She’s ready to go, though, especially now that she doesn’t have to worry about her sister. Jack, Zaeed, and Grunt are just spoiling for a fight. If it were up to them, they’d go now. Mordin understands the need for preparation and has some suggestions for upgrades for the ship but she has no doubt that he’ll stand with them when the time comes. Kasumi seems nervous but ready. 

Shepard heads for the life support room next. She promised Thane a story. And she's curious about the memory he had the last time they talked. He shut down after it but perhaps now, after the Collector ship, he’ll be willing to talk about it. Her nerves around him have dissipated somewhat. He hasn’t mentioned what happened between them and it has had her wondering if she was just imagining the strain in their prior interactions. Perhaps he doesn’t remember her at all. It was a long time ago.

She finds him at his table, staring at the mass effect core with a cup of coffee nearby. He seems willing to talk, so she takes the seat across from him and says, “The last time we talked, you started speaking about a past event as if you were watching it.”

“Drell have perfect memories,” he explains. “We can relive any moment in our lives with perfect clarity. It’s difficult to control at times. Some of us disappear into...mmm, let’s call it solipsism. When a memory feels as real as life, it’s as valid as life. Thinking about a moment brings back the smell of cut grass, the warmth of another’s hand on yours, the taste of another’s tongue in your mouth. Wouldn’t you rather lose yourself in such a memory than spend the night alone, staring at walls of metal and plastic?” 

His words in that sex and smoke voice send a tingle down her spine. Shit. He remembers. All of it. Perfectly. Shit. They’re going to have to talk about this eventually. She can see it in his eyes. He won’t push the issue...not hard, at least, but he’s made it clear that he remembers. For now, though, she decides to try to distract them both. She wonders what it says about her that she’s more comfortable talking about her own death than thinking about anything approaching intimacy. 

She tells him about the fight against Saren and the subsequent attack and then tells him what she can't even tell Garrus. She doesn't know why she feels that she can reveal it to him. Perhaps it's because he recognized her fear earlier and wasn't shaken by it. Perhaps it's because he's listened so carefully to her tale. Whatever it is, she confesses, "It was...horrible. Alone, in the dark, in the void, feeling the last of my air escape...it was terrifying. I fought. I tried to stop the leak but I couldn't reach it. I died alone in the dark, unable to breathe, every cell in my body screaming. And now, when I look at a breather helmet, I feel that again. It all comes back in a rush. Cerberus found me and put my body back together. They brought me back somehow but it doesn't stop the fear. Being dead...that wasn't so bad. Dying...that was awful."

Suddenly, she remembers what he told her about his illness. He's looking toward a slow version of her own death. Her words could not have brought him any comfort. "I'm sorry, Thane. I didn't think...."

"It is all right," he says calmly. "I resigned myself to my fate long ago. I am not afraid. In a way it is...comforting...to know that you have been there. The unknown is far more frightening than knowing. I am sorry that you had to experience that."

"I'm just glad humans don't have perfect recall," she says as he takes her hand in his. Her skin hums and she tells herself it’s just his latent biotics but she isn’t convinced.

"Thank you for telling me. Even without perfect recall, I can see that it was difficult for you to relive."

"I think it helped," she tells him. "Talking about it." Saying it all out loud feels freeing, like she isn't carrying it alone anymore. She's so used to keeping her thoughts and feelings to herself. His quiet acceptance is comforting. _I still want him,_ she realizes. It's not just physical, though she thinks he's incredibly attractive and she knows it’s good. It's his spirit, the goodness she sees below the surface and the ruthlessness above. They're two of a kind. Neither of them would hesitate to do what must be done but they both struggle to hold on to that center core.

"You have not talked to anyone about it before?" he asks, surprised. "I had assumed...."

"What?" 

"I had assumed that you had confided it at least to Garrus. After all, the two of you are...close."

She laughs. "It's not like that," she says. "He's my best friend, not my lover. But I can't talk to him about it. He feels guilty enough that he left me behind. Telling him how awful it was would only make him feel worse. He thinks he should have waited for me but he didn't know. He assumed I was right behind the rest of the crew and he knew that I wouldn't leave until everyone was out. In his mind, at the time, getting out just meant that it would make my own departure faster. His intentions were good."

"I am sure that they were," he says. "He could not have known."

"Well," she says, rising, "I've taken enough of your time and I still have people I need to speak with." She doesn't want to go, but if she stays she's afraid she'll end up saying something to reveal her feelings.

"Shepard," he says seriously, "I appreciate these chats we have."

"You've spent a lot of your life alone, Thane."

"Work fulfilled me. Reading. I barely spoke to anyone outside of my family. It seems there will be no one to mourn me when I die. You're the only friend I've made in ten years." His words are sad but his tone holds no trace of self-pity. He is stating what he sees to be fact, not looking for sympathy.

"'Friend,' hmm?" she muses. "That's a good place to start." Maybe a year he'd said. A year is nothing. 

"'A start?'" he echoes, clasping his hands as she realizes she'd said it aloud. "That's...intriguing."

She hopes that's a good thing. She leaves, feeling like she's fleeing and goes into the observation lounge where she finds Samara meditating. She needs the asari's cool comfort. Samara stands when she enters and she thinks she's going to say something about the Collector ship but instead she tells Shepard that she has found the Ardat-Yakshi she's been tracking on Omega. She confesses that the Ardat-Yakshi is her daughter, Morinth, and requests Shepard's help in going after her. 

Shepard agrees to help her and they set course for Omega. She can't imagine what Samara is going through but the justicar maintains her composure. She's been reconciled to this for a long time. Shepard still can't imagine what it must be like to know that you have no choice but to murder your own child, no matter how much of a monster she might be. Samara will accept no pity, though. She wants nothing more than understanding. Shepard can, at least, give her understanding in what she must do and why.


	2. Chapter 2

A few days later, Kelly tells her that Thane needs to speak with her. She immediately goes down to the life support room and finds him sitting at his table. He looks troubled. Something is clearly bothering him. She touches his shoulder before sitting down across from him and he nods in acknowledgement. She waits for him to speak but he seems to have trouble getting the words out. He looks like he's in pain and she's afraid that his illness has progressed. 

"Is there something wrong?" she finally asks.

He bows his head and says haltingly, "Yes. Now that you are here, though...it seems more difficult to talk about."

"Are you feeling sick?" she asks, concerned. "I could get the doctor." He can't be getting sick. 

"No, no," he assures her. "Though that is a part of it. My mortality has me...dwelling on things." He stands and walks to the gun rack on the wall and clasps his hands behind his back. "I had a family once," he says, not looking at her. "I still have a son. His name is Kolyat. I haven't seen him for a very long time." His voice sounds like a penitent in a confessional.

He's a widower. She feels a little ashamed at her relief. She hasn't been falling for a married man, at least. Shepard wonders what she was like. What he was like. What would it be like to be married to a man like him? Did she understand his work or did she resent the time it took from them? Did he love her? Does he still love her? She can't imagine what it would be like to love and live with him, to create a child and family with him. It doesn't sound like it was entirely pleasant for her. Would he be different now? Had the time changed him? Is he even the same man now that he was then? And why would he leave his son behind? He sounds like he regrets it now.

He's so conflicted. One time he says that he doesn't feel guilty, that he doesn't believe his spirit is responsible for his body's actions, and then he calls his life sinful. She understands the conflict. She's done things she's not proud of in the name of war. They were necessary but it comes back down to Garrus' age-old question of doing the wrong things for the right reasons. 

She begins to see the source of his own conflict as he explains to her his fear that his son has become disconnected. The sin is not necessarily in what the body does but in the disconnect between the body and the soul that allows the body to do things without the will of the soul. It goes deeper than actions to the cause of the actions. So what happened to him to make Thane disconnected in the first place? And what happened to Kolyat? 

When they arrive at the Citadel, she gives Garrus a brief overview with Thane's permission and ask him to accompany them. They'll need C-Sec and Garrus still has some pull with them. He may be able to help. They seek out Captain Bailey at the C-Sec office and she tells him that they're looking for Thane's son and think that a criminal may have hired him. Bailey will help them. Thane is nervous. She doesn't think anyone who didn't know him would see it but she's spent hours watching him in various situations. He generally brings a whole new meaning to the word "still" but now he shifts his weight slightly back and forth. It’s all right. She’ll make sure it’s all right.  
___

"This may go down in history as the shortest interrogation ever," Thane remarks as they walk out of the interrogation room together. He's impressed. More than that, the realization that she is willing to go to any lengths to save his son whom she has never met by a woman she did not know stirs something in him reminiscent of his first meeting with Irikah. He has felt himself beginning to awaken with her and, in that moment, spirit and body join. He feels alive for the first time in more than ten years. Terming what he feels for her as love is likely premature. He made that mistake with Irikah and does not intend to make it again, but he cannot deny that there is something there that surpasses simple friendship.

Together, they stalk their prey. He feels a sense of satisfaction at hunting with her that he focuses on to distract himself from his concern for his son. What he feels is primal, feral. This woman would not be like Irikah, seemingly content to wait for him. She would hunt alongside him. There would be no danger of battle sleep overtaking him because he would not be alone. 

In a way, he has always been alone. As much as he cared about Irikah--and he truly did care for her, loved her, even, in his way--she had not understood him nor did he understand her. She tolerated his profession because of her love for him and her inability to see him so miserably trying and failing to fit into a normal life, but she did not accept it. It had led to division between them. It became easier to accept contracts that took him far from home for long periods of time. 

When he was on a job, he understood what he needed to do. There was a peace in it that he did not find in the little house on Kahje where she looked at him with growing desperation and thinly veiled dismay, where she expected him to slide seamlessly from assassin to husband while maintaining a strict separation between the two. He could not come home and tell her about his work, could not share the moments of pride he felt in it or the moments of remorse he occasionally experienced or the fear he sometimes felt. The first revolted her. The second led to arguments over whether he should continue his work. The third only made her worry. At first, if he would come home injured, she was concerned. Later, she grew impatient. At some point, the impatience gave way to anger. 

He knew nothing about raising children. He had never been around them beyond using the duct rats to bring him information. Perhaps more importantly, he had never been a child himself. A part of him understood Shepard's disagreement with his being turned over to the hanar at such a young age. His life had not been easy. He wanted better for Kolyat. Not knowing how to provide that for his son made him feel helpless. He loved the boy more than he had ever loved anyone or anything but he knew that he could not be what he needed to be for the child. Had Kolyat been born at this point in his life or to a mother who understood him, Thane might have been able to learn to be a good father to his son. Though, even that fantasy was shattered by the crackling reminder of Kepral's Syndrome. He would not live to see a child born today take his first steps or speak his first word. He draws himself back into the present as Shepard gives him another update.

Talid is glad-handing, talking to voters. At the same time, his krogan is shaking people down so that he can keep his hands clean. It might be right to take him out but Kolyat needn't be the one to do it. He walks through the ward and Shepard makes sure Thane has an eye on him before moving through the hallways that intersect the catwalk. He sees Kolyat at the end of a long walkway. He is leaning against a wall and covers his face with his hand as Talid and the Krogan walk by. He looks uncertain but then he squares his shoulders and begins to follow them.

Kolyat draws his pistol and Thane knows he will not be fast enough to stop him. He hears Shepard's voice ring out, calling his son's name from the balcony above. Kolyat turns, losing sight of his target and the krogan pushes the turian aside. The boy panics and fires but hits the bodyguard. It knocks him down but doesn't kill him. Kolyat chases the turian and Shepard takes a sliding leap off of the balcony as Thane runs up below her. Side by side, they sprint after his son.

Thane walks forward and simply says his son's name. Kolyat sneers. "This--this is a joke. Now? Now you show up?" he asks bitterly. Thane's heart feels as though it will break into countless pieces. Of all of the things in this world that he regrets, the pain he has caused his son is the the greatest.

"Help me, drell," Talid says. "I'll do whatever you want."

 

"Get out of my way," Kolyat says as colored emergency lights flash. "I'm walking out. He's coming with me."

"They'll have snipers outside," Thane warns, fear rushing through him.

"I don't need your help!" Kolyat insists. "All of you, back off! I'll kill him!"

"No you won't," Shepard says and shoots Talid. "Hostages only work if your enemy cares if they live."

"Interesting solution," Thane says, stunned.

"He was a racist and a criminal," Shepard points out. "Isn't that enough?"

"To some, I suppose," he answers. It likely wouldn't have been his solution but she had clearly seen the subtle nuances in his son's body language that signaled his intention to pull the trigger. If nothing else, she was expedient. Rather than allow his son to kill the man, she had taken on the burden of executing an unarmed man on his knees. The solution was one that she appeared to make coldly, but he read the tension in her lips, the subtle plea for understanding in her voice, and knew that it was one she would not bear easily.

 

The officers and Shepard leave and Thane and Kolyat are accompanied back to the precinct. Kolyat sits stiffly beside him in the C-Sec shuttle. They're escorted into an interrogation room and the officer withdraws to allow them privacy. Thane stands quietly as Kolyat paces in agitation. His son will speak when he is ready. He braces himself for the coming onslaught, knowing that nothing will be resolved here but praying to Arashu that it will be a first step toward healing.

"Men must be loyal to their friends and dangerous to their enemies," Kolyat eventually hisses. "That is what you taught me, is it not?"

"I was wrong, Kolyat," Thane says. "Enemies and ago are not as important as loved ones." It is a lesson he is learning aboard the _Normandy_. He had once believed the lesson he had taught his son. Now, however, he has reconsidered that premise. Shepard has changed him. She is, in her own way, as dangerous as he and an enemy he would not want to have. Yet, while she is a formidable foe and is completely dedicated to decimating her enemies, she has held off on proceeding to their final goal in order to ensure that her crew has nothing to distract them from their purpose. It is not simply a tactic. She wants to know that she has done all she can to be sure that her people are able to go through this mission without things left undone. Whether it is saving a crewmate's sister or son or facing down a thresher maw on foot or helping a friend seeking to right a wrong, she does not shy away from giving them what they need. She puts them first even at the expense of her own safety, comfort, desires, or morals. He thinks of Garrus, standing outside the doors, using what influence he has left, agreeing to help without judgment or qualm. He thinks of his teammates, standing beside him as they face death together. Yes, loved ones are more important.

Kolyat looks at him in disbelief. "You've changed," he sneers. "You're going soft in your old age. What's wrong with you? It's perfectly acceptable for you to spend your life murdering people but when I do the exact same thing, you show up out of nowhere after all these years to stop me and turn me in to the police? You are such a hypocrite!"

"It is not that simple, Kolyat," Thane says, his heart aching for his lost boy.

"What's wrong, old man? The master assassin has lost his touch, is that it? You can't stand the thought that maybe I could do what you did but better? Are you jealous or just a fraud? You think you're so pious, like prayer is going to wash away what you've done."

"Kolyat, I—" he tries to say, but his son turns to face him, his face a mask of rage.

"You killed my mother! You want to know who to blame? You want to know who the real triggerman was? Go look in a mirror! Why would they want to get to you? Because you killed someone, right? When you pulled that trigger, you might as well have walked up to her and shot her yourself! It would have been more merciful. You have no idea what it was like! You don't know the pain you caused her! You didn't listen to her scream! I did! I was there, unlike you. You were never there. She waited for you and you never came! You treated her more like a mistress you could come back to when it was convenient than a wife! Did you ever love her?" he demands furiously.

"Kolyat, please, sit down and I will tell you everything you wish to know," Thane says. His son's words are daggers in his heart. They are all true.

"No! _You_ listen!" Kolyat shouts. "You didn't see it! The things those four-eyed freaks did to her! They tortured her! Mutilated her! They laughed while she screamed! I was _right there_ where she hid me. I could smell her blood, see her flesh part. The whole time, she was mouthing to me, 'Be still, Kolyat. Be quiet. Your father will come.' She died screaming for you and you weren't there! I live with that every damn day, you hypocritical son of a bitch!"

Thane could not hurt any more if an elcor had kicked him in the chest. Guilt, an unfamiliar emotion, consumes him. "You are right," he says simply. "I was not there and I should have been."

"Fuck your should-have-beens!" Kolyat shouts but his father's admission seems to deflate him. He crumples into a chair, his body shaking as he sobs. Thane goes to him and lays a hand on his son's shoulder. Kolyat shakes him off at first but then accepts the contact. "I _hated_ you," he hisses. "I hated you as much as I loved her. Why are you here? Why now?"

"I am dying, Kolyat," he says.

"Oh, now I get it! Now it all makes sense. You want absolution. Well, you won't get it from me. Maybe she'll give it to you once you're dead. Or maybe you're already getting it from that human you brought along. I'm not stupid. I saw the way you look at her. I thought drell mated for life. Is it so easy to replace her?"

"I do not seek absolution from you. I wish only to give you a chance at a life I never had. Commander Shepard is a friend. No one will ever replace your mother," he says, addressing his son's concerns in order. The truth, though it isn't one Kolyat needs to hear now, is that Thane and Irikah were married but they were not mated. He supposed, even then, a part of him knew that he did not love her in the way he should and he had been unable to open himself to her in that final way nor to remove from her the ability to do so with another should she find someone more fitting than he. He had never offered and she had never asked. That information would only serve to hurt Kolyat now, however.

"Did you ever love us?" Kolyat asks. "Was there ever a time when you wanted us?"

"Yes, Kolyat," he answers vehemently. "I have always loved you. From the moment we knew you had been conceived to this one, I have loved you."

"What about Mom?" he asks.

"I loved your mother's spirit, her fire, her desire to help people, her courage. There were many things about your mother that I loved."

"But it wasn't enough, was it? They always say love is enough, but it isn't always, is it?"

"No, Kolyat," he says sadly, "it isn't always enough."

Thane leaves the room several hours later as Bailey says. "I ran some searches in the C-Sec archive. About ten years back, a bunch of really bad people were killed. Like someone was cleaning house. The prime suspect was a drell. We never caught him."

"Someone like that is trouble you don't want to deal with," Shepard says coldly.

"Someone's got to deal with it. Doesn't have to be me, though," he says with a shrug and then nods his head toward Thane.

She turns, her eyes searching his. "How'd it go?" she asks softly as he walks stiffly over to her, her tone entirely different from the one she had used a moment ago.

He feels raw, like every nerve ending he possesses has been exposed and raked over hot coals. Kolyat is calmer and had finally listened as Thane poured out his story, but Thane could see that he had not yet accepted it and that the pain and anger are still too fresh. One of the problems with perfect memory is that pain can be brought to the surface in an instant, as fresh and deep as the moment they occurred. He has the sudden urge to go to her, to feel her arms around him, to borrow some of her strength. She seems to recognize his need and lightly touches his elbow before allowing her hand to drop. "Our problems...," he says haltingly, "they aren't something I can fix with a few words. We'll keep talking. See what happens."

___

Shepard gives Thane a week to himself before going down to life support to check on him. She does not come to him, though she has assured him that she is only a comm away should he need her. If she goes on missions during that time, she does so without him. Though he enjoys her visits, he is glad for the respite. He needs to be alone, to process the events, the agony, the guilt, the things that were said. He spends his days in meditation and prayer, remembering events long past with perfect clarity, laying each one to rest. That would be more difficult with her there. She confuses him. It would dishonor both Irikah and Shepard for him to attempt to truly say goodbye to his wife while in the presence of another for whom he feels...something. 

When she finally does come in, he realizes that he has missed her. He tells her he's been recording a message for Kolyat. "How are things going with him?" she asks.

"It is difficult. All things worth keeping are," he answers. "I never explained--I suppose the story of my wife's death took you by surprise."

"I figured you'd explain it to me when you were ready," she tells him.

"I appreciate your patience," he says with a nod. After what she has done for him and what she had both implied and, perhaps unwittingly, revealed about her feelings for him, she deserves answers to the questions he knows she has. 

"You are very kind," he says later, after pouring out the bitterness in his soul to her. "Thank you for listening, siha."

"I think my translator just glitched. What did you call me?" she asks with a smile. 

"Siha," he answers with a small smile of his own as he clasps his hands. "Someday I'll tell you what it means." Now is not the appropriate time. They have expressed themselves as much as they are able given the circumstances. He is content to leave it at that for the moment. He is not yet finished with his goodbyes but he is glad she came. Her presence has lifted some of the sorrow from his soul.


	3. Chapter 3

Shepard goes down to the engineering deck to check on Tali. Ken and Gabby are talking in low tones, different from their normal happy chatter. Ken nods at Shepard as she passes by. She thinks he's still pissed that she cleaned him out in a poker game yesterday. She did pretend to be bad at it to talk them into going easy on her but once they figured out she knew how to play, they didn't hold back. She still kicked their asses, she reflects in satisfaction, though Tali and Thane gave her a run for her money. Tali's hard to read behind that mask and Thane has an excellent poker face. Garrus won't play with her anymore because they can both read each other too well and he says it takes the fun out of it. 

Shepard has been keeping a close eye on Tali lately. A few weeks ago, she was called back to the Fleet for a tribunal on charges of treason. The Admiralty Board had accused her of treason and stripped her of her ship name. They had claimed that she had sent active geth back to the Fleet. The truth, sadly, had been hard on her. Her father had requested that she send disabled parts back for study and she had. He had been the one to activate them. They had risen up against his ship's crew and killed them all, including her father. They retook the ship and got the proof, but using it would have made her father a pariah. She would have preferred exile. As the commander of her ship, Shepard had to represent her. She managed to keep her from being exiled but, rather than reclaim the Neema as her ship's name, she chose to keep theirs so she's now Tali'Zorah vas Normandy.

"Are you all right with all this?" Shepard asks her.

"I'm okay. I'm sad about my father, of course, but it helps knowing I have friends like you and Garrus. Honestly, I could use something happy. What do you say we have a party?" she suggests.

"A party?" Shepard asks. "Where?"

"Right here. On our ship. I need to remember that we have a lot to celebrate. You're _alive_ , Shepard. You were dead for two years and now you're back. You, Garrus, and I are working together again. And we are going to beat the Collectors. So let's celebrate now in case we can't do it later."

"All right," Shepard says. All they have left to do before going through the Omega 4 relay is get the Reaper IFF. This might be the last chance they have before they all die. She tries not to think fatalistically, but there it is. None of them know if they're going to make it through. It's been called a suicide mission and for good reason. 

However, she reflects with pride as she looks around at her gathered crew, none of them are even hesitant. They know how important this is. Even the ship's crew are behind her all the way. She overhears a lot when moving around her ship. They're fiercely proud to serve under her. They view this as the best crew in the galaxy. The last time they were in port, she had to break up a fight between Ken from engineering and one of the crew of an Alliance ship. The other crewmember had been talking his commander up and Ken had countered that Shepard was better. That led to a heated argument that had come to blows. By the time she got there, both crews were in full-scale riot. She wasn't happy about them fighting but she was touched that they all felt so strongly about serving under her.

They've opened up the mess hall and the crew deck is packed with people. Even Dr. Chakwas has come out of the med bay and Joker has turned the ship over to EDI for this. They toast Tali and her victory and then Gabby raises her glass, "To the best crew in the galaxy on the best ship in the galaxy with the best commander in the galaxy! We're gonna kick some Collector ass!" There's a cheer from the crew and then cries of "Speech! Speech! Speech!"

Reluctantly, Shepard steps forward. She's used up her quota of speeches for the month with the Admiralty Board. Still, they're all looking at her expectantly. "When I came on board with Cerberus, I didn't know what to think," she says. "I expected a lot of bigoted zealots, honestly, and I didn't trust any of you. But you've all proven me wrong. You've treated the alien members of the crew with dignity and respect. You've treated me with dignity and respect. You've displayed courage under fire and have served with honor. You've all made me proud. We don't know what we'll find on the other side of that relay but I've never once heard any of you express doubt in my ability to get you there. You know our mission and you know how important it is. You've all stepped up admirably. You're willing to follow me into the unknown and that means a lot. For my part, I couldn't imagine a better crew to take me there or one I'd rather have behind me. We might not make it back through that relay, but we _are_ going to get through it and kick some Collector ass!"

They cheer and she supposes she's done well enough. Miranda and Jacob nod at her. Samara smiles. Grunt gives the krogan battle stomp and Jack exclaims, "Hell, yeah!" Tali hugs her and Garrus and Zaeed clap her on the back. Thane clasps his hands behind his back and bows slightly. Ken and Gabby high five. "We'll give 'em hell, Commander!" Joker proclaims. Mordin and Kasumi clap. If only Liara were here. Her crew would be complete. Liara and her mother are the only ones she'll regret leaving behind, she realizes, and her mother will understand. Liara is the only friend she has who isn't currently here. She hasn't forgotten Wrex, but he's more ally than friend. Aside from them, everyone she cares about is on this ship. They have to get through this safely. She feels the weight of each and every life aboard. Cerberus or not, these are _her_ people.

Ken and Gabby start a poker game and Joker, Tali, Thane, Miranda, Jacob, Grunt, Jack, and Shepard deal in. Garrus decides to join as well. Samara perches on a counter and watches. The rest mingle. Drinks flow freely and Tali is out fast. Alcohol goes straight to her head. She's funny when she's drunk. She leans her head on Shepard's shoulder. "I love you, Shepard," she slurs.

"I love you, too, Tali," Shepard says, "but quit looking at my cards."

"You're gonna win anyway," she pouts. "You always win."

"Not today," Thane says with a smile as he lays down his cards. He's beaten all of them.

Tali rocks over and lays her head on Garrus' shoulder next. "And I love you, too, Garrus. You guys are the best friends I've ever had. And you're the best boyfriend I've ever had."

"I'm the only boyfriend you've ever had," he points out.

"Wait, what?" Shepard asks. When did this happen?

"You're not upset, are you?" Tali asks.

"Hell, no!" she says. "Are you kidding? Two of my best friends in the whole galaxy are together. That's a good thing. I'm happy for you!" 

"I'm glad to hear that," she says. "He probably would break up with me if you weren't okay with it."

"You'd beat me to it," Garrus says.

"True. I love you but Shepard...this is weird, I know, because you're not that much older than me. But you're not just like a big sister. In a lot of ways, you're the only mother I've ever known."

"I get that," Jack says. "I never had a mom. I mean, I guess I did. I wasn't grown in a test tube like our krogan brother here, but I don't remember her. I've never had anybody who worried about me and made sure I was eating right or that I could go to when I had a problem before Shepard."

"Okeer may have created me," Grunt says, "but Shepard brought me out of the tank and into the world. She's stood by me in battle and taught me how to be a person and not just a krogan. She _is_ my mother."

"While we're on the topic, Shepard," Dr. Chakwas says, "you've become not a mother but a daughter."

"Yeah, but you're old," Joker teases.

"I'm still more spry than you, Jeff," the doctor counters. "Regardless, Commander, you seem surprised that we would follow you but you're family to us. You're all the family some of us has."

Shepard is touched. "I love all you guys," she says, tearing up. 

"We're all a family," Joker says. "Shepard's just our weirdly young mom who somehow managed to have a lot of cross-species children. I guess that makes all of us brothers and sisters and Karin," he says, gesturing to Dr. Chakwas, "and Samara our grandmothers and Garrus our uncle. Zaeed, too, but he's that weird one that nobody likes to talk about. Where do you fit in here, Thane?"

He hesitates, then takes Shepard's hand. "Siha," he whispers, almost to himself.

"You said you were going to tell me what that means," Shepard reminds him.

He pulls her from the table and they find a quiet place. "Will you hear my confession, Siha?" he asks. "I need to explain myself first before I can explain what it is that I call you."

"Of course."

"When I married Irikah, the hanar let me leave their service to raise a family. But I had no other skills, so I freelanced. When Irikah was killed, I pursued those responsible. Once I'd eliminated them, I had no goal. I accepted the Dantius commission because I didn't know what else to do." The Dantius commission was where we met.

"Not the healthiest attitude to take on a mission," Shepard says.

"You're right," he agrees. "It's not. Looking back now, it's clear I'd resigned myself to death. I would have fulfilled my contract. If Nassana's guards caught me afterward--it would have been a good death." He takes her hands and leans forward. "But someone else was pushing to reach their target. Forcing me to move faster. Challenging me. I had to reach her first."

"I had no idea you'd planned to die in there," Shepard says, horrified by the idea. 

"It wasn't a plan. My body had accepted its death. My mind had been dead a long time. But I met another siha. Few are privileged to meet even one."

"You still haven't told me what a siha is," she points out.

"One of the warrior-angels of the goddess Arashu. Fierce in wrath. A tenacious protector," he says. "I have been watching you. You are fierce, ruthless even, in pursuit of your goal. You do not hesitate to do whatever is necessary no matter how distasteful it may be. Yet you are just as fierce in your protection of those you care about. There is a reason your crew call you mother. With them, you are like a mother varren protecting her pups. You face your fears for them, put yourself in danger without hesitating in order to save them, and you are brutal in your defense of them. They see this and respect it. I see it as well. I confess I've come to care for you. Perhaps I'm being foolish. We are very different."

Her heart sings. This man is everything she's ever wanted. He is exactly what she's been waiting for. "I'm not sure we know each other well enough to call it love," she tells him, "but I feel something for you, too. Something more than friendship."

"I've never felt affection for another species," he admits. "I'm not sure what to do now."

"We'll just have to figure it out," she says, "but I think this is a good place to start." She puts her hand on his cheek. It's smoother than it looks. His emerald eyes behind their dark lens search hers as she steps up onto tip-toe and presses her lips to his. His lips are full and soft and after a moment of surprised hesitation, his strong arms encircle her and his mouth claims hers. Heat burns inside her. His tongue dances in her mouth, fulfilling a fantasy she's had for weeks and conjuring memories she’s held for years, and her hands stroke over his broad shoulders and down his strong arms. The leather of his jacket is soft over the hardness of his muscles. 

His hands tangle in her hair and he tugs gently, changing the angle of the kiss and deepening it. The sound of the crowd outside the door fades away, leaving only the two of them. Desire sparks inside her, sending fire flowing through her veins. By the time he pulls away, they're both breathless. "Siha," he whispers and presses his smooth forehead to hers. "I look forward to the memories."

They rejoin the party. Someone has turned on music and Miranda and Jacob are dancing together. Tali and Garrus are on the floor as well. Jack has pulled Joker up and he's putting in an effort. Garrus sees her and says, "Look, Shepard, Joker dances just like you. I guess it must be a human thing."

"Hey!" Joker says, offended. "I'm not _that_ bad!" 

"She can't be that awful at it, can she?" Miranda asks. 

"Yes," Tali, Garrus, and Joker say in unison.

"Thanks," she says wryly, crossing my arms and glaring at them. 

"Something the great Commander Shepard can't do well?" Jack asks. "I've gotta see this."

"No."

Thane puts his arms around her from behind and whispers in her ear, "Come on, Siha. Who can say how many chances we will have to dance together?"

"Now that's just not fair," she tells him, looking over her shoulder at him. "You don't get to play the dying man card on this."

He smiles. "If not for you, then what is there to play it for?" He turns her so that she's facing him and pulls her closer. Tali takes pity on her and changes the music to something slow. She's still awkward. 

"Your toes are in mortal danger," she warns him.

"I'm used to being in mortal danger when you're around," he says. "We face it many times a day. We survived the Collector ship. I'm sure my toes will survive a dance. Your problem is that you don't know how to follow. Relax and let someone else lead for a change."

She tries but she's overthinking it. Finally, she forces her mind to stop and simply focus on him. She should have expected that he could dance. He moves so fluidly. She feels the flow of his body and follows it, letting him lead the way. They glide across the open floor of the mess hall as he spins and dips and turns. In his arms, she feels alluring for the first time, especially when she feels his heart begin to pound in his chest. His hands slide over her and she forgets that they're being watched. She forgets the Collectors and Harbinger and the Reapers. She forgets the Council and their backhanded ways. She forgets the pressures upon her. There is only him and her and the music which she can feel drifting through her. 

The song ends and it takes a moment for her to come back. Jack breaks the spell by saying, "Damn, Shepard, that was hot. I don't know what they're talking about. I wanted to do both of you."

"Back off, bitch," Shepard says with a grin. "I don't share."

"I am glad to hear that," Thane murmurs in her ear. "Neither do I."


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard meets Miranda and Jacob in the debriefing room after retrieving the IFF. Miranda starts in immediately. "I think we need to discuss the unique piece of salvage you recovered. For now, we've stored it in EDI's AI core. We need better equipment to fight the Reapers. An intact geth would be invaluable to Cerberus' cyber weapons division."

After a brief discussion, she decides that Miranda's right. She can't take the risk to the ship just to indulge her curiosity. Tali's people won't want it. Maybe Cerberus can figure it out. "Jacob, it's because of Eden Prime that I'm giving the geth to Cerberus. Miranda's right. We need better weapons. I have to look at the big picture."

"Yes, ma'am," he says. 

"Now, is there anything else that needs to be done before we go through the relay?" Shepard asks.

"We just need those shield upgrades installed," Jacob says. "We've got the team. We've got the IFF. We've upgraded the rest of the ship as best we can and we've all dealt with our personal shit. Let's get the shields fixed and go."

"I've ordered the materials," Shepard says. "We can get the upgrades done at the Citadel."

"I know this is important and that time is of the essence," Miranda says, "but perhaps a final shore leave before we go would be in order if we'll already be there. Give everyone one last bit of fun and a chance to say goodbye before we embark on what very well may be a suicide mission."

"That's a good idea," Shepard says. "Joker, take us to the Citadel."

"Aye aye, ma'am."

"I would like to test the IFF before utilizing it, Commander," EDI says. "Perhaps you should take the shuttle onto the Citadel and allow us to stay out of orbit in case something goes wrong."

"If something goes wrong, I want to be here," Shepard tells her. 

"The likelihood is slim. I would not endanger Mr. Moreau or the crew if I thought there was a true possibility of malfunction."

"All right. We'll put into dry dock. When the upgrades are finished, just leave the shuttle there and take the _Normandy_ out. The main squad will go ashore now. The rest of the crew will stay to help you get the ship ready. When it's done, they can come off as well. Everyone needs some R &R. That includes you, Joker."

"Yes, ma'am."

Shepard wants to talk to the crew again, so she goes downstairs. Her first stop is to Tali. She wants to make sure there are no hard feelings about taking the geth. She isn't upset. She's just glad that the thing isn't going to be on the ship for long. They'll be transferring it to Cerberus at the Citadel. She's not sure about handing the technology over to them, but if it helps the cause Shepard can't do anything else. She checks in with Grunt, Zaeed, and Jack while she's down there. They're all spoiling for the fight. Up on the crew deck, Garrus is as well. He's doing some last minute calibrations on the main guns. "This is it, Shepard," he says. "Stopping the Collectors won't stop the Reapers but it'll be nice to take the fight to them for a change."

"Hell, yeah, it will."

Samara is meditating so she doesn't bother her. Kasumi is nowhere to be found. Probably spying on the crew again. She's learned so much about them from her. Finally, she finds Thane. "Have a few minutes to talk?" she asks him.

His face lightens when he sees her. "You needn't ask," he says. "Time for me is short, Siha, but any I have is yours to take."

"How are you feeling?" 

"No worse than ever. You needn't worry. And you? You are well?" he asks, taking her hands. "You took a few hits on the Reaper ship. I was concerned."

"No need to worry about me," she assures him. "I've got good armor."

"I'm looking forward to the end of the mission," he says. "It has been many years since I felt I could relax anywhere."

"I spent two years dead," she says. "Every moment seems irreplaceable now." Especially when time for them is so short. 

"I spent ten years dead," he says. "I understand the feeling. Strange that I should reawaken now, when there is so little time left."

It makes her sad when he talks like this. He has accepted his death. She hasn't gotten there yet. "Is there anywhere in particular you'd like to go?" she asks.

"I have always wanted to see a desert," he tells her.

"Have you ever been to New Mexico on Earth?" she asks.

"No."

"Neither have I, but I hear it's beautiful. We'll go together. Watch the sunset and maybe even the sunrise over the desert."

"I would like that very much. I wanted you to know how much I enjoy our mornings together," he says. They’'ve gotten into the habit of taking coffee together in the mornings before the rest of the ship is up. It's like their secret bubble of time. 

"I do, too. I have a surprise for you," she tells him.

"What is it?" 

"You mentioned that the drell keep their homes dry on Kahje. I figured there must be some kind of technology that allows you to do that. I asked Liara to look into it for me. She's having it delivered to the Citadel. Garrus has agreed to install it in my cabin. I thought, that way if you were to...come up...you could be comfortable and not have to worry about the humidity. I know this is fast but time is slipping away and I don't want to miss a moment that we have together. I thought you might prefer to stay with me instead of down here in this tiny room."

He strokes her cheek. "I would like that very much, Siha. As I said, whatever time I have is yours. I hear we're going on shore leave. Would you go to dinner with me? I would like to take you on a date."

"I would love to."

___ 

She's going on a date with Thane this evening and has no idea what to wear. It's a trivial problem, but one that distracts her from her frustration. She'd met up with the team who was supposed to be dealing with the shields, but they're on back order. No one bothered to tell her this before she put the ship into dry dock. It'll be two weeks before the materials are available. She gives EDI the order to begin the IFF testing while they're gone since they won't be getting the new shielding yet and then calls Tali up to her cabin. She has style. Her suit is lovely and flattering and she's got an artist's eye. Maybe she can help. "I never thought I'd see you in love, Shepard," she says in amusement after Shepard explains her dilemma. "You've always been so focused on the mission that it's like men don't exist to you."

"Is it wrong that I'm letting myself get distracted over a man when the fate of the galaxy is in my hands?" Shepard asks, concerned.

"You've spent the last several years with the fate of the galaxy in your hands, Shepard. You almost never take shore leave. You work tirelessly. You put your crew's needs ahead of your own at every turn and go out of your way to ensure that we are taken care of," she says. "Who knows when or if this threat will end or what we will find on the other side of the Omega 4 relay? It would be unreasonable to ask that you put your entire life on hold. You need normalcy. Too much focus over a long period of time will wear you down. Why should everyone else get to do what makes them happy and not you?"

"Thank you, Tali," Shepard says, relieved. "I know how important this cause is, believe me. I died for it. But it's too big for one person to handle alone. So what should I wear?" she asks, opening the wardrobe.

"Would you be more comfortable in a skirt or pants?" she asks.

"Pants," Shepard answers immediately.

Tali moves her aside and rummages through her clothes before pulling out a pair of black slacks and a turquoise blouse. "This," she says. "It will go nicely with your coloring." 

"Thank you. I know it's silly."

"Wanting to look your best for someone you care about is a perfectly normal emotion. It's not silly."

Shepard takes the clothing she's recommended and dresses quickly. She's right. The turquoise does look good. It brings out the color in her skin and makes it glow. Shepard lets Tali put makeup on her to try to cover the scars as much as she can and when she's ready, she takes a deep breath and goes to the docking bay where Thane is waiting. He's taken pains with his appearance as well, she sees. He's still wearing his leather jacket but she likes that jacket. She thinks it looks good on him. Underneath he's put on a sapphire blue button-down shirt and is wearing black slacks like her. They almost match. She smiles at the thought.

He breathes in when he sees her. "Siha," he says, running his hands down her arms, "you look...radiant. I will take this memory with me always. Your smile upon seeing me, the way your hair flows like silk around your face, the faint scars, your eyes like rubies lit from within."

"I don't know that the scars are something I want you to remember," Shepard says self-consciously. She's never really thought about them before but now she wishes she'd let Dr. Chakwas perform the procedure she'd suggested to minimize them. 

"Your scars are lovely," he says sincerely. "They are marks of the battles you've fought, my warrior-angel, and what you've overcome. Do not ever be ashamed of them with me. Your eyes as well. They are unique and make you look fierce. They were the first thing I noticed about you when we met. You have the eyes of Arashu."

"You've got a thing for eyes, don't you?" she asks, remembering his description of Irikah's.

"They are the windows to the soul," he says. "And yours--both your eyes and your soul--are beautiful."

She places her hand on his cheek and kisses him softly. Her sweet assassin. He knows the worst about her and accepts her for who she is and still sees her as something beautiful. He says that her belief in him has woken him but his belief in her has done the same. He never falters. His faith in her never wavers. He trusts her unquestioningly in even the darkest situations. He sees her fears and soothes them without ever letting them shake his confidence in her capabilities. 

Now that she has found him, how is she ever going to let him go? She loves him. With everything she is, body and soul, she loves him. She thinks she's loved him from the moment she saw him pray over the body of the asari he killed. It grew upon hearing of his love for his wife and witnessing his renewed devotion to his child. Watching him struggle to change himself has been a revelation. She is proud of his efforts, proud to call him hers. There has never been anyone before him who has touched her heart. There will never be anyone after him. The knowledge that their time is limited makes each instant they have together all the more precious and bittersweet. 

They go to a restaurant on the Presidium. The food is excellent but she barely tastes it. Her entire focus is on him. They won't have this time again. She stops worrying about the mission. This night is for them. Stolen time, that's all they have. But they make plans. Once they've returned through the relay, they're going to carve out a chunk of it. She's done enough for now. She's going to spend every moment she has left with him. Cerberus won't need her after the Collectors are stopped. She's no longer with the Alliance. Someone else can take over the fight from here. 

The prospect of having nothing to do and nowhere to go would be daunting without him, but instead it's freeing. They'll travel and see all of the places and do all of the things that he wants to experience. And when his disease progresses far enough, she'll be there to take care of him. He won't be alone in his final days, stuck in some hospital with tubes sprouting out of him. It's his only fear. She's determined not to let it come to pass. They'll get an apartment here on the Citadel close to the hospital so that he can get the treatment he needs without having to live there and close to Kolyat as well. He doesn't like the idea of her having to nurse him, but she shoots down all of his protests. 

"We have little enough time as it is," she tells him. "I won't have a bunch of strangers surrounding you in your final days."

"You do not need to feel obligated to me, Siha," he insists.

"I don't. It's not obligation. I _want_ to be there. If you want me to be able to handle losing you, you have to let me be there for you every step of the way. It will haunt me if I'm not. Let me do this, Thane." She feels moisture pooling in her eyes and her throat closes. She doesn't want to think about him dying. She can't think of all of the empty years that will follow. She thought she was whole before him. Something tells her she won't be after him. She's discovered a part of her that she never knew existed, a part made solely for him. 

"I love you, Siha," he says suddenly.

"I love you, too, Thane," she says, reaching across the table for him.

"Come," he says. "Let us walk and talk of happier things."

They stroll through the grounds with their arms around each other. The Presidium is in its night cycle and the arms of the wards glow brightly on one side while on the other, the galaxy stretches out into infinity before them. He stops and pulls her into his arms. She rests her head against his chest, feeling his heart beat beneath her ear. His hand strokes her hair and she traces the line of his back within the warmth of his jacket. He's so strong, it's hard to believe that he's dying. But in addition to the beat of his heart, she can hear a faint wheeze of air in his lungs as he breathes. It's not quite a rattle, not yet, but she knows it will only get worse.

They hear laughter and look to see a turian child running through the garden. His parents stroll hand-in-hand behind him, smiling indulgently. The boy turns back and runs to his father, who picks him up and swings him around. The boy squeals in delight. Thane's eyes take on that faraway look and she wonders if he's remembering the times when he would 'dance crazy' with Kolyat. She hugs him tightly. When he comes back to her, he looks sad. "What's wrong?" she asks.

"I wish that I had been a better father to Kolyat," he says. "It is one of my few regrets. If I could have been then as I am now I could have saved him so much pain."

"I thought you'd dealt with all of your old regrets," she says softly. 

"I find myself forming new ones," he admits. "Primarily for you."

"Like what?" she asks.

He looks back to the turian family and says, "I regret that I found you earlier and let you go. That I did not keep you until it was too late. That I cannot give you that." He gestures to them. "You deserve a home and a family, a husband to come home to, a child to nurture. You would be a wonderful mother and I think, now, that I could be a good father. You wouldn't allow any less."

"We couldn't have kids anyway," she points out. "That's never been in the cards for us." Still, she thinks about Kolyat as a young child. Drell children are some of the most adorable. "I guess we could have adopted...."

"Yes. This war will make for many orphans, unfortunately," he says sadly.

"I don't need a home, Thane. The _Normandy_ is my home. And you are there." she wants to take the sadness out of his eyes.

"Yes, but you deserve so much more. You have given so much and gained so little in return." He looks at her, searching her face for something. "Siha, know this. If I were well, if I could promise you forever, if I had anything to offer you, I would do it. I did not know when I married Irikah what the world was like outside of my limited sphere. And she did not fully understand what I was. She was not like you and me. It would not have been like that with you. Even if my enemies were to come for you, you would be able to defend yourself against them. I have never known anyone so capable. It does not make her less because she couldn't. It just makes her different. 

"I love her still, Siha, in my own way, but I think that you would have been more suited to having someone like me as a husband than she was. She should have had someone gentler and you should have had someone who could marry you and give you forever, give you the respect of the position of wife. I feel as if I have done you both a disservice." 

"Don't ever say that," she tells him adamantly, "about either her or me. If she was everything you say she was, she would have found gentle if she'd wanted it. She didn't. She wanted you. Yes, you screwed up. You can't change that now. All you can do is to do better moving forward. I wish I could have forever with you. You have no idea how much I wish that. But you're willing to give me all of the forever that you have left and that has to be enough. None of us knows how long that will be. You could outlive me. 

"We risk death every single day, as you're all so fond of reminding me, and I lead the charge every time. There have been so many times I could have died. Hell, I already have! I know for a fact that I can be killed. We may all die going through that relay. And whether our time together is numbered in hours or weeks or years, I want it. I want all of it. So if you want that," she says vehemently, gesturing to the family who is now walking away from them with the boy in his father's arms, "don't deny yourself or me because we don't know how long we can have it. They don't know, either."

"Siha," he says hesitantly, cupping her face in his hands, "are you saying that you would be my wife? Even though I am dying?"

"Yes," she says before she can even think of the answer. It feels right. "I love you. I've never loved anyone before. I will never love anyone again. I know it's fast but we have no time to waste."

"If it's wrong, we won't have much time to regret it, either," he points out. "I still do not want to be a burden on you."

"You could never be a burden to me, Thane. You are a blessing."

"Are you certain? I have nothing to offer you. I have enough money, but I'm not rich. I have no home. Everything I own is aboard the _Normandy_. I cannot give you children. I cannot even give you a respected name. Krios is a name to be feared, not one to be proud of."

"I have my own money and plenty of it," she tells him. "I have a home and so do you. The _Normandy_ may fly under Cerberus' flag but it isn't Cerberus' ship. It's mine. Legally. It's the only way I would agree to work with them. I wanted to make sure I didn't lose her if I decided to leave. Too many people make their home on her. I don't need children. As you saw the other night, I have a whole crew who calls me mother. And I already have a respected name...well, once it's no longer tied to Cerberus. I don't want anything _from_ you. I want _you_."

"You honor me, Siha. In that case," he says, kneeling in front of her with her hand in his, "Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" 

"Yes, Thane," she says, pulling him up and going into his arms. 

"I will cherish you for whatever time I have left," he promises. "And I will do better with you than I did with Irikah."

"When do you want to do this?" she asks him.

"I should be the one asking you that. I have no preference. Knowing it will happen is enough for me for now."

"Before we leave," she says. "If this mission goes to hell, if we don't make it back, I want it known what we were to each other. I want us to go out together."

"I understand, Siha. We can call the grew together. I imagine you will want them present."

"I do," she tells him. "They're my family. I want them there. I'll tell Kasumi. She loves parties. She can handle the arrangements. I wonder how quickly Liara can get here from Illium. I want her, Tali, Jack, Samara, Kasumi, and Miranda to stand with me. Joker can officiate. He can be serious when the situation calls for it."

"I suppose I will ask the men of the crew to stand by me as well. I would like to see if Kolyat would attend."

"Of course," she says. "Kolyat has to be there if he'll come." Their relationship is still strained but it's getting better.

"EDI, get a message to Liara on Illium. Tell her I'm getting married tomorrow and that she and Tali are to be my maids of honor. Also, send a message to Kolyat Krios. His father wants him to be the best man."

"Understood, Shepard."

___ 

The morning of their wedding dawns bright and blue as all mornings on the Presidium do. Once she heard about the wedding, Kasumi dragged Shepard around Zakera Ward to every dress shop on the Citadel. Liara got in last night and will be leaving again tomorrow but she's there. She and Kasumi teamed up with Miranda, Tali, and Jack to get Shepard as polished as she can get with all her scars. She'd expected Jack to be an ally when she protested but she seemed to derive a malicious glee from seeing Shepard buffed and trimmed and painted. She should have known, the bitch. She does have to admit it was kind of fun and when Tali pointed out that Thane would remember every detail with perfect clarity, she finally gave in. She wants this to be perfect for him.

She's heard that brides are supposed to be anxious on their wedding day but she's still surprised by the flutter of butterflies. She's faced down Reapers and Collectors and thresher maws. A wedding to the man she loves with all of her friends and family around shouldn't have her nervous but she is. That tickles Jack to no end until Shepard threatens to make her wear a dress. That shuts her up quick enough but Shepard can still see her eyes glitter with laughter. She guesses it's payback for making her wear a shirt instead of the harness thing she usually wears that covers almost nothing. She tried to tell Shepard her tattoos count but Shepard overrode her.

They meet in the Presidium gardens. She wanted to do it on the _Normandy_ , but there wasn't enough room for everyone who wanted to attend. Liara, Kasumi, and Miranda are actually wearing dresses and look beautiful. Jack looks presentable in a collared shirt and nice pants. Tali has changed out the cloth hood of her enviro-suit to something flowing and elegant. Shepard catches her reflection in the lake and pauses. 

They did well in getting her ready. Her hair hangs in a dark bob around her jawline, framing her face. Miranda found a special makeup that has all but covered the scars. It's strange not seeing them. She's gotten used to them. They decided against anything too elaborate for her dress and instead went with a simple, elegant gown with a corset-style bodice and long, fitted sleeves. The long skirt flares slightly at her feet, allowing her to move freely. Bits of emerald embroidery make her eyes glow like rubies. 

The strangest thing is the expression on her face. She looks...deliriously happy. She isn't used to that. In many ways, she takes herself as seriously as Thane does. She appreciates a good joke and it isn't like she doesn't smile or anything. But she hasn't truly been able to relax and let herself be happy since Eden Prime. There's always been another mission to run, a battle to fight, people to save. She hasn't done anything that's just for her in years. Even Thane has been so tied in with the rest of the mission that, until now, she hasn't let herself see their time together as anything more than moments she feels guilty about taking. But now he will truly be hers, their moments belonging to them rather than time stolen from something else.

"Are you ready, Shepard?" Liara asks. 

Shepard nods and slides her hand into Anderson's waiting arm. They've done nothing to the park. It's already lovely as it is. Her crew forms the bulk of the gathering, but there are others as well. Bailey has left his desk at C-Sec. He's technically running security here but he's dressed up and doesn't seem to be watching the crowd much. She's glad to see him. He has done wonders with Kolyat. Major Kirrahe, the salarian she met on Virmire, is there as well. Wrex has come, too, and she's surprised to see that he left Tuchanka. The Council is in attendance and Ambassador Udina is here as well, though she's pretty sure it's more for political gain than anything. 

Anderson, her father in all but name, and Shepard are preceded by the wedding party. Liara and Kolyat lead the way as maid of honor and best man. Jack and Zaeed, Tali and Garrus, Miranda and Jacob follow. Karin, in her role of mother of the bride is escorted by Grunt, the ringbearer, are directly in front of Shepard and Anderson. Kasumi surprised her by displaying an ability to play the harp, of all things, and its music floats gently on the breeze. 

The couples in front of them part and line up on either side of the open area where Admiral Hackett stands in front. She barely notices, though, because Grunt has finally moved aside and she can see Thane. All of her nerves vanish at the sight of him. He's exchanged the dark pants and leather jacket for a black suit with a white collared shirt and he looks handsome and wholesome and happy. He stands calmly with his hands clasped behind his back in his typical fashion. His face is serene but his eyes light when he sees her and one of his rare smiles brightens his face. Their eyes don't leave each other's for a moment as the ceremony begins. 

She hears Hackett's words but they don't matter. What matters is them, here, in front of everyone, declaring to the galaxy that they will stand by each other for whatever time is left. No, Shepard corrects herself, today is not a day to think about death. Today is a day to celebrate life. She has come to believe as he does that the soul does not end when the body dies. They are not only vowing to love each other for the months their bodies have left together. They are vowing to love each other beyond that and into the unknown. Anderson passes her to Thane and he takes her hands in his. Even in heels, she is shorter than he is and, for once, she revels in the feeling of delicacy beside him. She feels safe and protected.

When it is time to recite their vows, Thane, as always, blows her away with his eloquence. "Siha," he says, "as you know, I once accepted my fate. Nothing remained but a shell destined to die. I only had to choose the when and how of my passing. I had refused to be confined to a bed, gasping horribly as my life beeped away to machinery I had no use for. I thought of Irikah, broken, bloodied, and betrayed by my absence. Of Kolyat, small and afraid, bravely pushing at his eyes to stem the flow of tears I had entrusted him to cry...for both our sakes.

"The expectation to move swiftly to my end vanished upon uniting with your cause. You awoke me, Siha. My heart quickened its sluggish beat if only to remain by your side and protect you with everything that I am. I am content to simply watch, take the time left given, and praise all I know for allowing me to walk my final days with hope and certainty that I am worthy of more than my cold isolation, solely because you believe. 

"I love you. If all else whispers back into the tide, know this for fact. By grace given me by the goddess Arashu, I bid her divine protection to you, my warrior-angel, my Siha, to succeed in your destiny. To light your path in the coming darkness. To give you hope, when all seems lost. I vow to spend every day that remains to me by your side, supporting and encouraging you, returning to you the faith you have given to me. And when my days are over, I will await you across the sea."

Shepard can't speak. Tears stream down her face and her throat is closed. She places her hand on his cheek as she struggles to regain control of herself. She would take perfect recall, she thinks, take clarity of memory of every horrible thing that has ever happened to her, in order to be able to bring back this moment right now. To hear his voice saying these words. She doesn't want to ever forget a single breath of their time together. This, she knows, will be one of the memories she takes with her and holds onto in the cold, lonely nights to come, and she wants to hold it perfectly in her mind. She'd had a speech prepared but it is lost now, so she says what comes.

"When we met, all I knew about you was contained in a short dossier. I thought it contained everything I needed to know. You were a means to an end, a weapon in our battle, a tool to be used. Then I saw you pray and I realized that there was so much more to you than what could be contained in a brief summary. I was...entranced...from that moment. I was drawn to you by something outside myself. I had to know more about you. Our talks together became a ray of light in a very dark place. Cerberus may have brought my body back to life and our cause may have brought my spirit but you...you brought my heart.

"Over the course of our time together, I have watched you struggle. I've watched you grow and change and fight. I've watched you come alive as well. I thought you were cold. What I didn't realize at first was that your seriousness masks a great effort, one that you've allowed me to be a part of, to turn your life around in a way that few people do. You unhesitatingly and unfailingly think of others before yourself. You want to leave the world a brighter place because you were here and you have. My world is brighter because of you. You said once that you would have no one to mourn you when you die. That is no longer true. 

"I love you, Thane. And I will spend every day of the rest of my life loving you. I will stand by you no matter what comes, no matter how dark the night, no matter how bloody the battle, no matter how painful the end. I will spend every day of the rest of our life showing you the light that you have shared with me, with all of us here. When your days are over and I must carry on alone, I will finish our mission for us and when it is over, I will find you across the sea."

"I now pronounce you husband and wife," Hackett says. "Kiss the bride, son, while the rest of us dry our eyes."

"My Siha, my bride," Thane sighs as he pulls her into his arms and kisses her gently. He's hers now.

They greet their guests together. Jack's heavy mascara is suspiciously smudged and she says, "Damn, guys, way to make us all bawl like babies."

"Thane, you just set the bar way too high for the rest of us," Jacob says. "Damn, that was powerful."

"You know," Kasumi admits to her, "for the longest time, I couldn't see what you saw in him or why you loved a dying man instead of someone like, say, Jacob. Sure, he's always been nice enough and I suppose he's good-looking, but he's so serious. I couldn't imagine what you had in common beyond liking to shoot people. I pictured you both just sitting around with you working or something while he sat there looking enigmatic and quiet until something came along for you to kill together. And then I saw his face today and heard what he said and now I understand. I am happy for you, Shepard. You deserve to be loved like that." She hugs Shepard.

"Thanks, Kasumi."

"I'm just glad you didn't decide you love Garrus," Tali laughs, putting her arm around him.

"As am I," Thane agrees.

"Too weird," Garrus and Shepard say together.

"You look so lovely, Shepard," Karin says. "Thank you for allowing me to stand in for your mother. I would be honored to have a daughter such as you."

Kolyat approaches. He and Shepard been writing each other since she helped Thane stop him. She likes him. He's a good kid and, though he doesn't realize it yet, is so much like his father. His anger has faded over time and, while it's still not entirely gone, they've gotten much closer. He says to her softly, "He is different for knowing you. I don't know that I will ever be able to call you mother, but you have given me both my life and my father back. You make him happy in a way I have never seen him before. I am glad to welcome you to our little family, Mrs. Krios."

"Thank you, Kolyat. I am glad to be a part of it. I know I can never replace your mother with either you or your father and I'll never try. I want you to know that."

"Thank you, Commander. Er, Shepard."

"Call me Shepard."

"Very well. Thank you, Shepard."

___ 

They spend their honeymoon on the Citadel. She wants to go to Earth and take Thane to the desert, but they don't have time. They'll go after the Collectors have been dealt with. Anderson gives them the use of his personal apartment and they get a couple days to just be normal together. She discovers that he can cook and does it well. She doesn't know why she's surprised that he's good at it. He's good at everything he does. They sit together on the plush leather couch and watch vids while eating popcorn and Shepard lounges in the hot tub tucked away in the master bathroom, though he avoids it due to the steam. 

They tour the Strip as well. Anderson's apartment is located in an area of the Citadel she's never been to before. The Silversun Strip is similar to Earth's Las Vegas. They go dancing at the club and he makes her look good. They take a trip to the Armax Arena where they kill simulations for fun. They alternate between fighting together and competing with each other. At the end, their scores are tied. He has higher marks for close combat while she scores better at long range and they even each other out. 

He then decides that he needs to improve her hand-to-hand and takes her into the practice arena where they spar together. He's a good teacher and, before long, he stops going easy on her. He's faster that she is but she finds that she can use her smaller size to her advantage and that if she can get in close she can take him down. Getting in close is the difficult part, though. He's got more reach than she does and he's stealthier. Blink and he's gone. He can disappear into the slightest shadow and he's so still that there's no movement to give him away. She ends up cloaking to get behind him and pins him down.

"Very good, Siha," he says. "Use the tools you have to your advantage. You will not always have your sniper rifle with you. Now, try to do that again without your cloak."

"I thought you said to use the tools I have," she points out.

"Your mind and body are your greatest tools. You are strong, fast, smart, and agile. Use it. I will even give you the advantage. Ten seconds. Hide from me if you can."

"Now we're playing hide-and-seek?"

"Ten...nine..."

"I'm going, I'm going."

He turns away and closes his eyes. She knows how good his hearing is, though, and moves as silently as she can. He doesn't need to look to be able to know exactly where she is. She finds a spot where the light shines brightly and crouches behind it. She can see him but he shouldn't be able to see her. Her heart is racing in anticipation and she deliberately slows her breathing so that the sound doesn't give her away. He gets to one and opens his eyes and scans the room. They slide over her hiding spot and she looks down to make sure that there is no eye shine to draw his attention. 

It's all the distraction on her part that he needs. She feels his hands grasp her head and the heat of his body pressed against hers. She reacts without hesitation but it isn't fast enough. "Pop," he whispers. "Dead women can't fight."

"How'd you do that?" Shepard asks, disappointed. "I thought I picked a good spot!"

"You did. I did not know you were here until I was on you."

"Then how did you find me?"

"It is where I would have been."

"If you're the best and I'm doing what you would do then we've hit a stalemate," she says.

"No," he counters. "I could have done it with you looking at me." She's sure he's right. She's seen him vanish in front of her eyes. She still doesn't know how he does that. "However, you have done very well, Siha. I am proud of you. Keep it up and perhaps someday you will be as good as me."

"Oh, really? Someday?" she asks, sweeping her leg around and knocking him off-balance. She pins and straddle him to keep him still but he tucks her leg into his side and rolls. 

"Someday," he confirms. She squirms, trying to get free of him. His eyes flare and she realizes the position they're in. Her legs are still clasped around his waist and his hand is on her thigh. Slowly, he trails it up her leg and strokes back down, his eyes locked on hers. Her breath catches. "We should try this again at home," he suggests and suddenly sparring with him seems sexier than dancing. 

"I'm never going to be able to watch you fight again, Sere Krios," she says, much later. 

"Why is that?" he asks.

"I'll just end up thinking about this and get all hot and bothered and miss my shot. Or maybe I'll just get jealous and shoot them myself," she laughs. "God, you can move like nobody I've ever seen."

"So can you, Sera Krios," he murmurs, trailing his lips down her neck. Her stomach growls and he rolls off of her. "You need to eat. Come, let me take you to dinner."

He takes her to a sushi restaurant. He insisted that they dress up and she understands why when they get there. The maître d' waves them forward, past the long line of elegantly-dressed men and women. "What's going on?" Shepard asks. He didn't have time to make a reservation.

"You are Commander Shepard, no?"

"Yes," she says. She'll use Thane's last name for personal things but he suggested that she keep her maiden name for work. Everyone knows Commander Shepard. No one knows Commander Krios.

"Spectres do not wait in line," he says. 

"Huh. There's an unexpected perk," she tells Thane. "Damn. Is the floor really a giant fish tank? Makes the one in our cabin look dinky."

"I like the one in our cabin," he says. The last time they were on the Citadel, she got some of the brightly colored fish native to Kahje for him to make him feel at home. He's content to watch them swim for hours.

They take their seat and place their orders. "It has been nice being here with you like this, Siha," he says, "but I must admit a certain homesickness for the _Normandy_."

"I feel the same way. Anderson's apartment is nice and I've enjoyed the vacation, but it isn't ours. The tests on the IFF should be done tomorrow and we'll go home."

"Shepard, I'm afraid there is something you need to know," EDI says over the comm. 

"What?" she asks. "What's going on?"

"Is there a problem?" Thane asks. Shepard sets the comm so that he can hear it as well. 

"The Reaper IFF had a signal buried in it. It broadcast our location. The Collectors boarded the ship. Jeff managed to save the _Normandy_ and I was able to protect him, but I am afraid that the rest of the crew is gone."

Thane and Shepard are already running out of the restaurant before she finishes. "Patch me in to everyone who came with me to the Citadel," Shepard tells her.

"Done. You are transmitting to the remainder of the crew aside from Sere Krios whom I assume is with you."

"Miranda, Kasumi, Jacob, Garrus, Tali, Grunt, Zaeed, Jack, Mordin, get back to the shuttle _now_! There's a problem. I'll brief you all when we get back to the _Normandy_. Move!"

"Yes, Commander," echoes back to her on the comm from each of them. They meet up at the shuttle and return to the ship as quickly as possible. The ride seems to take forever and EDI briefs her on the comm unit in her ear. The Collectors struck too quickly to be intercepted. Joker crawled through the air vents to the AI terminal while the Collectors kidnapped the crew and returned control of the ship back to EDI. She locked him down in the mass effect core and vented the ship. 

Shepard is sure that everyone has picked up on her agitation as her heel is tapping out a staccato beat on the floor but they don't speak. Thane takes her hand but sits silently beside her. Her people. What will happen to her people? Where are they? She has to find them and get them back. She knew she should have stayed on the _Normandy_! Back on the ship, the group gathers in the comm room where Joker sits on the table with his head in his hands. He's shaking. 

"Sounds like we have everything we need to rescue the crew," Jacob says after Joker has calmed down.

"We've done everything we can," Miranda agrees. "I wish we'd had time to get the shield upgrades in, but we can't put this off. It's time to take the fight to the Collectors."

"I'll give the order soon," Shepard says. "Get to your stations and secure for general quarters."

"Great," Joker sighs. "Here we go again. Let me know whenever you're ready, Commander."

"Joker," she says, "you did good. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but without the _Normandy_ , we wouldn't have a chance at getting everyone back. You did the right thing."

"Thanks, Commander," he says, not sounding convinced.

The crew disperses and Shepard walks through the ship. Now the _Normandy_ is the one that sounds too quiet, only the bad thing has already happened and she wasn't here. She knew there was a chance something could go wrong and she left anyway. Sure, EDI told her she thought it was all right, but it wasn't her fault. Shepard doesn't blame her. She blames herself. She left her crew and now they're at the mercy of the Collectors. She remembers the Collector ship and all of those awful pods. Her crew is in those pods. Her family is in those pods. "Joker, take us to the relay," she says. 

"Please confirm destination, Shepard," EDI says. "The Reaper IFF is online, but there is a chance that the _Normandy_ may not survive the Omega 4 relay. Once we are en route, we are committed."

"The Collectors took my people," Shepard says angrily. "Time to go get them back."

"You got it, Commander," Joker says. "Plotting a course for the Omega 4 relay. ETA about two hours to the Omega system. I'll let you know when we arrive."

She goes through the too-quiet ship up to her cabin. She's done everything she can. It's just a waiting game now. She needs to keep her mind occupied but the sight of all of these empty chairs is as disturbing to her as it is to Joker. She's worried about the shields and hopes the ship will hold. With a sigh, she takes a seat at her desk, staring blankly at the crew manifest. She doesn't need to look at the list. She knows every name on it and can tell you their service history, the goings-on in their personal lives, what their job is, and how they take their coffee. She just needs something to distract her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

Thane paces the life support room anxiously. His heart is racing and his skin feels flushed, though a pit of ice has settled in his stomach. His breathing is shallow and his fingers tingle from a lack of oxygen. This, though, isn't a result of the Kepral's. No, this reaction, while unfamiliar, can only be one thing. He is afraid. He can count on a single hand the number of times he has felt fear in his life. Unease, disquiet, nervousness, even anxiety and apprehension have all been companions to him in the past. Fear, however, is not something to which he is accustomed.

He has accepted his body's death for many years. His diagnosis of Kepral's Syndrome did not have a detrimental impact on him as it may have on others. Instead, it had galvanized him, made him recognize the sinfulness of his path. He had found a goal beyond survival. Then, when Shepard had come to him, she had given him a purpose. He felt useful here. His unique set of skills made him a vital part of the team. Shepard has given him so much. She gave him his life back. She gave him his son back. She gave him herself. He has tied off all of the loose ends of his life. He has sought forgiveness for his sins. He has changed himself into a person who feels worthy of her love. He should be at peace. Instead, he is troubled. He is afraid. He is ashamed.

The solitude he thought he craved brings him no peace. He is accustomed to hearing movement and life outside of the doors. The hum of the mass effect core is grating and loud in the otherwise grim silence of the ship. He thinks of Dr. Chakwas in one of those pods and wants to break something. This desire for violence is uncharacteristic for him and yet another manifestation of his fear. He does not want to die. He feels it is selfish to lean on her now when she is under so much pressure already, but he needs his Siha, needs her quiet strength, the comfort of her presence. He leaves the room and goes to the elevator.

Her door is not sealed. It rarely is unless they are together. She prefers to be accessible to her crew. They respect her privacy and rarely seek her out when she is in her cabin but she feels that the knowledge that she is constantly available to them gives them comfort. The door opens and he finds her sitting at her desk with a datapad in her hand. Rather than looking at it, however, she seems to be staring through it.

"I am sorry about the crew," he says. "Are you all right?" 

"I'm just dealing with a little guilt here," she tells him with a deep sigh, turning to face him. She looks as troubled as he feels. It's not exactly the way I planned to spend the last night of my honeymoon."

"I know," he says. 

"My people are out there, Thane, at the mercy of those _things_!" she says, rising to pace. "I have to bring them back!"

"I know. I just..."

"What's wrong, Thane? Talk to me," she asks, truly looking at him. 

"I don't want to trouble you. You have enough on your plate," he says reluctantly. He feels guilty for the selfish urge that drew him to her. She needs support, not additional burdens.

"We're in this together. Tell me what's wrong. Take my mind off of this, give me something I can do _something_ about."

He begins to pace, unsure of where to start. "Siha, I--I have known I will die for many years. I've tried to leave the galaxy a better place than I found it. You've helped me achieve more than I thought possible. We've righted many wrongs. I've spoken to my son. I have married you." His brow furrows. "I should be at peace on the eve of battle."

She comes to him. "Stop," she says gently. "Don't give me a speech. Just tell me what's wrong."

"I'm...ashamed," he says, hanging his head. She lays her hand on his face and tilts it so that he is looking at her. Pity is written on her face. He doesn't want her pity. He removes her hand brusquely before turning away to lean over the desk. Helpless fury eats at him. He slams his fist against the desk and turns to look at her, ashamed of the tears that stream down his face. "I have worked so hard," he says. "Meditated and prayed and done good deeds. Atoned for the evil I've done. Prepared." He turns his head away, wishing to hide the evidence of his weakness. "I consider my body's death and a chill settles in my gut. I am afraid and it shames me."

She comes to him again, unafraid in the face of his anger, and her hand slides over his fist, cool and soothing. "Thane," she says softly. She turns him so that he is facing her and wipes the tear from his face. He was wrong. It is not pity, but concern, empathy, love. She has so much to deal with and yet she is putting her own fears and pain aside to help him. He doesn't deserve her. "None of us knows now if we will see tomorrow. Be alive with me tonight."

She presses her soft lips to his and he pulls her tightly against him, needing to feel her close. The chill is replaced by heat as his hand tangles in her luscious hair. "I want you, Siha," he breathes against the side of her neck, making her shudder. 

___

"I want you, Siha." Have more erotic words ever been spoken? He's beautiful and sexy and lethal and brave and conflicted and she wants him. God, she wants him. She needs to lose herself in him. Sex has never been a priority to her. Oh, she's enjoyed it but she's never understood those people who say it's amazing and wonderful. It's always been just all right. But she's also never loved or desired someone as much as she does him. The men who came before weren't Thane.

"Take me," she says and trails kisses across his jaw before he takes her mouth again. Their tongues dance as they tumble back onto the bed. She wraps her legs around his lean waist and he settles in against her. He's heavy but careful to give her room to breathe as he leans over her. She arches against him, needing to be closer, and he threads his fingers through hers sweetly and rolls his hips, sending desire coursing through her. "Thane!" she gasps.

"I am here, Siha, always," he murmurs as his lips flow down her throat and across her collarbone. She traces his jaw with her tongue, needing to taste him, and he says, "Be careful, darling." The oils in a drell's skin are mildly toxic to humans and can cause hallucinations. They have been careful in the past but tonight she doesn't care. This may be their last time together and she wants to indulge herself in him. Should one of them survive without the other, she wants this night to be a memory they can cling to when the nights are cold and lonely.

She pushes his jacket off of his shoulders and he shrugs out of it before pulling off his shirt. "God, Thane, you're beautiful," she breathes, struck as always by his sheer perfection. He is breathtaking. His skin stretches in shades of moss and emerald and lime across well-defined muscle. Its fine scales are smooth and dry under her fingertips as she traces the ridges of his abdomen. He sucks in a breath and groans as she explores the planes and ridges of his body but he doesn't stop her. The muscles in his shoulders and arms are tight as he holds himself still. 

He's so tall and lean in his clothing. She'd had an idea of his strength but his clothing is so well-tailored to him that all it gives is an idea of the sheer power beneath. The first time she saw him without clothing, she had been amazed. She still is. His hands are as strong as the rest of him but, as always, they are gentle with her. She's killed hundreds of people and knows that there is nothing romantic about taking someone's life, but the knowledge that he could take hers with the flick of a wrist and yet is so careful with her is intoxicating. He unbuttons her blouse slowly and simply stares down at her as though seeing her for the first time or, more likely, memorizing her and traces a finger down the line of exposed skin. Her uniform, tan-colored skin is drab and dull in comparison to his but he seems as entranced as he did the first time so long ago and she wonders if they were destined to be together. 

His hand slips under the silk to cup her breast and she gasps. He molds it in his hand before stripping her shirt away and allowing her to remove her bra. His head dips and he takes her nipple in his mouth. His straight, white teeth graze over it and electricity shoots through her. She can hear her breath coming in rapid gasps as his fingers trail down her belly to tug at the button of her slacks. It pops open and he draws down the zipper. Her hands grasp his shoulders as his mouth follows the path of his hands. 

She feels a tug and raises her hips. He hooks his thumbs in the waistband and slowly, slowly he draws her slacks down over her legs, his fingers gliding over her exposed skin. And then she is naked beneath him. His mouth drifts over her hipbones and down to her center and she cries out his name. His fingers slide inside of her as he tastes her, his tongue hot and skilled against her smooth skin. It's...earth-shattering. He slides up her body and takes her mouth again and she clings to him as though he is the last solid point in a crumbling world. 

She pushes his shoulders and he rolls, settling her atop him. His eyes never leave hers as she touches every inch of his exposed skin and he explores hers. She wants him, now, but if this is the last chance they get to be together, she wants to make it last. He is showing the same restraint, though she can feel him hard beneath her and see his desire in his eyes. She leans down and kisses him deeply before running her tongue along his jaw and down his throat. He grips her hips and she feel him slide against her, teasing her entrance. His head falls back and she continues trailing her lips over his skin. She takes him into her mouth and he curses savagely as he thrusts helplessly into her mouth. Her senses heighten and she imagines that she can taste the varying shades of him. The music from the stereo sends rays of colored light dancing through the room. She should probably stop licking him, but the sounds he's making and the raggedness of his breath tell her that he's enjoying it. 

He buries his hand in her hair and tugs her up to him before rolling again so that she's beneath him. Sparks crackle between them as his hand runs down her body. He cups her and she cries out, rolling her hips, seeking him. She needs him. He slides his finger against her and her nails score his back. Her head spins. "Thane!" she cries.

"Tell me what you need, Siha," he murmurs against her ear. 

"You! I need you! Please, Thane!" 

"Is this what you want?" His fingers slip inside her and her muscles clench around him like a fist. His touch drives her wild. She can't get close enough to him. She reaches down to wrap her hand around him and slides it over him. His hips thrust and he gasps, "Siha!" before closing his teeth gently over her shoulder beside her neck and pushing her back onto the bed. He's no longer gentle as he takes her hands in one of his and pins her wrists but she feel his fingers slip sweetly between hers. He kisses her deeply, his tongue demanding entrance to her mouth. His arm slides beneath her hips as he positions himself between her legs and slides into her in a smooth thrust. 

"Oh, God, Thane!" she cries as he fills her and pleasure bursts through her. She can do nothing but cry out as he draws slowly out before pushing into her again. His eyes are intent on hers, reading her response, measuring her. His jaw is clenched in the effort to restrain himself and draw this out. They move together like that for a lifetime as they look into each other's eyes. Love wells up in her and she wants to make this as good for him as it is for her. As when they were dancing, she lets him lead and she follows the flow of his body. God, he's good at this. 

"Easy, Siha," he says when he feels her begin to demand a faster pace. "I want this to last." 

"I can't," she says. She tries to hold back, to stay with him, but another of those smooth thrusts pushes her over the edge and she convulses around him. "Thane!" 

"Don't fight it, Siha," he whispers.

"I love you, Thane! Oh god, I love you!"

"And I you," he says. She convulses again and his control breaks. He slams into her, thrusting hard and fast, using his arm around her waist to pull her into him. She didn't think she could feel any more pleasure than she already does but he drives her up, higher and higher. Her nails score his back and he arches into it eagerly so she does it again. Thane likes it rough. Huh. They haven't tried that yet. That's okay because so does she. He pushes her over the brink again and again until the pleasure is like storm waves battering the shore. She can't think, can only feel. She needs...something. 

She pushes his shoulders and he rolls, taking her with him, until she straddles him. His hands grip her hips tightly and his head falls back as he thrusts into her from below. She rides him, rising and falling in time with his thrusts as his breathing grows more ragged and escapes his chest in a groan. "Siha, oh my Siha," he gasps. "Be careful. I do not want to hurt you." 

He's close. She can feel him tensing and tightening beneath her. She can feel her own finish building in her like a scream but she wants him to come with her this time so she holds it down and leans forward to draw her tongue up his chest. He writhes beneath her, pushing into her harder now, almost violent in his need. It makes her feel strong, powerful, to be able to take away all of his careful restraint and leave him stripped as bare beneath her as she is over him. She scrapes her nails down his chest, lightly at first and then with more force. He reaches up and grasps her headboard and she hears the wood break with a loud crack but she doesn't stop. 

With a snarl, he bands his arms around her waist and flips them. His hands clench in her hair and he kisses her, hard, as he rams into her, riding the border between pleasure and pain. Every muscle in his body vibrates. He's wild now, feral, the violence in each of them calling out to the other, drawing it from each other and he lets go. She feels him pour into her it sparks her own final release in a crescendo of sensation. They cling tightly to each other through the storm, the other's name a litany on their lips. 

They lie quietly together in the aftermath. His arm is around her and her head lays on his chest. He gently strokes her elbow as she traces the patterns on his skin. When her lips brush his neck, he presses his to her forehead. "Are you all right, Siha?" he asks. "I am sorry if I hurt you."

"I'm fine," she assures him, stretching languorously. Pleasure still hums through her veins like a fine wine. "Did I hurt you?" 

He laughs and it is a beautiful sound, rich and full and deep. "No," he says. He grows serious again. "But, truly, did I please you?"

She props on an elbow to look down at him. "You can't tell?" she teases, wanting to see him smile again. "All of the 'Oh god, Thane's' didn't give it away? Did I please you?"

He does smile again and it's a smile full of inherently male satisfaction. "You can't tell?" he echoes lightly. "All of the 'Oh Arashu, Siha's' didn't give it away?" She loves this side of him, this easy banter. He's not generally someone she associates with humor. "Yes. Yes and yes and yes. You please me like none other. It is not my intention to bring other women into our bed, but even with Irikah...our connection was not...physical. It was more mental. With you, it is all of that and more, spiritual. I had never thought to find bliss like that in the arms of another, especially an alien, but I have."

It's weird to hear herself referred to as an alien but she should be used to it by now. Humans came late to the galactic game. They _are_ the aliens. It puts things in a new perspective for her with him, though. His life has been spent primarily interacting with hanar and other drell. His relationships with those of other species have been limited to business before her. Though he was married before, in a way, she was the first for him and he for her. 

"Another thing about drell that you may have discovered recently," he murmurs intently, moving over her and sliding into her again. "Once is not enough."

She wouldn't have thought that she could go again if he had asked, but her breath catches and she arches into him as she's instantly catapulted back into the fray. His control has returned and he builds her up again, though little is needed because her own control is shattered. As she reaches the peak and is about to go over, he withdraws from her, wringing a strangled cry from her lips. He isn't finished, though, she realizes as he turns her over and drives back into her from behind, allowing him to reach new places inside of her. His teeth close over her shoulder and she glances at him to see that the lenses of his eyes have gone completely black. He isn't trying to be gentle now. "Drell mate for life," he says. "You are mine, Siha, as I am yours."

Later, when she is back in his arms, she asks, "How does the whole mating for life and remarrying work if you've already been married? Doesn't that leave Irikah alone? That's sad."

He looks at her strangely, as though he's trying to figure her out. "This is why I love you, Siha. No other would be worried about the eternity of my first wife." He pauses. "She was not my mate. She was my wife and the mother of my child, but mating is...different. It is primarily involuntary and has a subconscious factor to it. I held back with her. I cannot hold back with you."

"I'm not afraid of being dead but you are not the only one who is afraid of dying," she confesses, thinking of his earlier revelation. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. Dying is scary. But, I promise, if it is within my power, you will not die alone. And when my turn comes to join you, I'll find you. I've had it written into my will that I not be brought back again."

He strokes her cheek. "The thing I fear the most is leaving you to face all of this alone, not being here to protect you. You are fierce, my warrior-angel, but you are not invincible. If you were to die...no one could waken me again. My soul is yours and no matter where you go or what you do, it will find you. I will always be with you, Siha." Oh, how she loves this man, her husband, her mate.

"Commander," Joker says over the comm. 

She smiles sadly at Thane. Their time is over. "Duty calls," she says. "Yes, Joker?"

"We're entering the Omega system. I thought you'd want time to suit up and get up here. ETA one hour."

"Thanks, Joker. I'll be there shortly." 

"You should shower, Siha," Thane suggests. "We have time and it would not do any of us good for you to accidentally rub oil from my skin into your mouth and begin to hallucinate now."

"It is mild but you're probably right. That's the last place I want to risk hallucinating, even if it is more of a crossing of sensory input than actual hallucination."

"There are people who would pay dearly to have their mouth on me like that," he teases with a smile as they sit up.

"They're welcome to...if they want to see that ocean real soon," she responds fiercely.

He kisses her quickly. "Yours is the only mouth I want on me," he says. "Come on." They get into the shower together, trying to be quick but he lifts her up effortlessly and holds her against the wall as he pushes into her. "One last time," he says. "In case we don't come back." He holds her up with one arm and rubs soap onto her with his other hand, frowning over the marks he has left. "I hurt you."

"Thane, I do worse to myself every day. I enjoyed getting these," she assures him. They wash each other and he even does her hair before beginning to move inside her. He's gentle this time but they both know that they're on borrowed time now as never before, so they're quick. Their completion rolls against the shore rather than crashing and when he lowers her down and kisses her, it's soft but brief.

He moved his things up here while she was meeting with Joker and the Illusive Man, so they dress together. "Why don't you wear armor?" she asks him as he helps her into hers.

He snaps the backplate to the front and says, "My clothing is armored. It doesn't have quite the protection of yours but that is mediated by greater freedom of movement. You utilize your weapons and your biotics to kill from a distance while my style is more close-in. You don't require quite the mobility that I do. Your hands are shaking, Siha. Are you afraid?"

"Of course I'm afraid. I'm not so cocky that I think this is a guarantee."

"I have faith in you," he says and presses his lips to her forehead. "I love you, Siha. Now go, do your duty. I will see you on the other side."

"I love you, too, Thane," she tells him, holding him tightly.

She goes into the cockpit where Miranda is waiting and they take places behind Joker's seat. The relay glows orange rather than the blue of the other relays. It looks sinister. "Approaching the Omega 4 relay," Joker says nervously. "Everyone stand by." Despite his apparent anxiety, his hands on the console are steady. She has faith in him. It's the IFF and what they'll find on the other side she's unsure about.

"Let's make it happen," she says.

___

Sparks fly and metal screams as the Oculus' laser cuts through the hull. "Quit tearing up my ship!" Shepard shouts as they run across the hold away from the beam. It bursts through and they dive for cover. The damn thing is serious this time. It floats around the cargo hold, forcing them to keep moving. The particle beam is doing damage, but it appears directly over her and prepares to fire. She doesn't have time to move, so she aims directly for the eye and holds the trigger down, preparing to feel the burn of that laser at any moment. Thane and Grunt fire madly as well. The beam cuts through the floor at her feet and she's silently saying goodbye when it suddenly cuts out and the thing explodes.

"Siha!" Thane shouts and dives for her. He shoves her out of the way of the explosion. 

"I imagine the thing'll stay dead this time," Grunt says. "Good job, Shepard. You've got a quad but I haven't doubted that since you held a pistol to my gut." He walks back over to the elevator.

"Siha," Thane says. "Are you all right?"

"I'm okay," she tells him. "A little shaky, but okay."

She rejoins Miranda and Joker in the cockpit where they make a crash landing on the Collector base. When she moves to gather the crew in the comm room to formulate a plan, Joker stops her. "Uh, Shepard," he says. "There's something I need to tell you." His eyes are full of pity.

Oh no. Someone didn't make it through. Tali? Jacob? "Who?" she asks.

He grimaces and can't speak. EDI says it for him. "I am sorry, Shepard. Tali and Jacob did not make it out after the explosion in engineering."

Tali? No! "They're dead?" she asks in a voice she doesn't recognize. The air is gone from the room. A chasm opens up inside her and threatens to swallow her. 

She doubles over and Thane catches her. "Siha. I'm so sorry." 

"I can't breathe," she gasps. 

"Look at me, Shepard," Miranda says. "We don't have time to fall apart now. We have to finish the mission. The rest of the crew needs you. We can grieve later."

She's right. They need her. And there's a big chance none of them will make it through this mission. Garrus rushes over to her from the elevator. "I'm so sorry, Garrus," she says, drawing him into a hug.

"I'll be all right," he says, but his eyes are full of pain. "Let's go wipe these bastards out," he snarls. They go into the comm room where the others are waiting. They look shaken but determined. Shepard pushes her sorrow away. The time for mourning will come later.

When they have evaluated the situation and assignments have been made, she looks around the room at the team she's assembled and she's never been more proud. They have no idea if they can get back or not, but each of them are standing tall, their eyes burning for blood. She sees no fear, no hesitation, only steely resolve. This is it. This is what they came here for. And they're ready. All thoughts of home and family have been set aside. They're united with one purpose and they have utter and complete faith that she will lead them to the fulfillment of that purpose. She starts to wonder if this is the last time she'll ever see some of them but she stops herself. The time for doubt and worry is past for her as well. She will prove that their faith, and the deaths of Tali and Jacob, are not in vain.

"Thane, Grunt, you're with me. The rest of you, go with Garrus." She walks over to her friend and says, "Take care of them and come back, will you? We've got a lot more light years left to go."

"You, too, Shepard," he says. 

"All right, let's move."

They jump down from the ship and break off into their teams. Everyone knows where they need to go and what they need to do. Thane and Grunt follow her into the ship without hesitation. Jack says over the comm, "I'm in position. It's hot as hell in here but not too bad yet."

"Second team, are you in position?"

"In position," Garrus confirms. "Meet you on the other side of those doors."

The Collector base looks just like a larger version of the Collector ship with more of those floating platforms. They don't move, though, so they proceed forward. Collectors immediately swarm them. Garrus lets her know they're facing the same. They cut them down quickly with a take-no-prisoners attitude. As they move forward, Jack tells her that the shaft is blocked. Thane points out a valve that he thinks will open the gate and she hits it. It works and they begin a race against time as they fight through Collectors--including Harbinger--to get the gates open before the heat inside the ventilation tunnels overcomes Jack. 

Harbinger starts in with his worms in the brain voice. "We are the harbinger of your destiny. You are useless. Your attacks are an insult," that kind of thing. She's too mad for it to get to her this time, though. And she's realized something. Harbinger isn't a Collector. It's a Reaper. It's also full of shit and they're the ones who are going to tear _it_ apart. It took her little sister. The squad rips through them as they come, not stopping for any of them, until they finally make it to the door. Jack gets it open and Shepard shoves Thane and Grunt through while she covers them until Thane grabs her and pulls her in. They're coming at the door in waves and something's wrong with the controls. Jack is working frantically. They all line up and fire, covering her. "Hold the door!" Garrus calls. 

A bullet whizzes through and Jack falls. Kasumi jumps in and fixes the problem and the doors slam shut. Shepard bends over to check Jack. She's gone. Shepard closes Jack's eyes and whispers, "Find your peace, you crazy biotic bitch. I'm gonna miss you." 

In the passage with the swarms, Samara creates a glowing blue biotic bubble around the group and they go in. The seeker swarms batter against it but it holds. Samara warns them to stay inside the bubble and they move forward. Collectors quickly find them. Samara can't fight and hold the bubble so she takes cover and Thane, Garrus, and Shepard take them out before continuing. They don't make it far before they're back. Samara is calm as the battles rage around her, trusting the trio to guard her, and Shepard makes sure that she has her in her line of sight at all times. Their progress is slow but steady and Miranda keeps in contact through the comm, though the signal is spotty due to the seeker swarms. 

Finally, they see light ahead. "Hold on, we're almost there," Shepard tells her. She's beginning to tire and Shepard can see her struggling to hold the field. She requests that they hurry but the Collectors are everywhere so she holds on gamely. Garrus stands in front of her and fires as Thane throws biotic power, dodging due to the lack of cover, and making a difficult target. Shepard can't move as fast as he can and doesn't have the build to carry the heavy armor of the turian, so she settles for a combination of the two, running and crouching to fire before running again. They reach the door and when Shepard opens it, Samara gathers the field and throws it forward, taking down everything in their path in a single blast. Damn. Remind her never to get on Samara's bad side.

"Shepard, do you copy?" Miranda asks over the comm.

"I copy. What's your position?"

"We're at the door. They've got us pinned down!" 

"We're coming! Just hold on!" Shepard goes to work on the door. She isn't the hacker that Tali was, but she's pretty good. She gets it open in moments and the squad rushes in, firing behind them as they come. "Seal the door!" Shepard says and Kasumi takes her place so she can join the firing line. A bullet whizzes past her and she hears Miranda grunt as the doors close. Shepard goes to her. She's holding her abdomen but assures Shepard that she's fine. 

Shepard looks around then jump up onto the platform. She hates these things but it gives her height. This is as good of a defensible position as any if they need to make a last stand. "A rear guard could defend this position and keep the Collectors from overwhelming us. I'll take a small team with me. Everyone else can bunker down and cover our back." She looks at the squad. They're all still game. Unfortunately, she knows that she's going to have to leave her heaviest hitters here. They're going to be vastly outnumbered and they'll need all the physical strength they can get. That means Garrus and Grunt have to stay. She doesn't know what she'll be facing in there, though, so she wants Thane. "Kasumi, Thane, you're with me."


	6. Chapter 6

Shepard gives her final speech and the platform begins to move. She watches as the group fades away and then turns to look around. They're flying through an enormous chamber with massive tubes running through it. Shepard asks EDI what they are and she says, "The tubes are feeding into some kind of super-structure. It's emitting both organic and non-organic energy signatures. Given these readings, it must me massive." She pauses and then says hesitantly, "Shepard, if my calculations are correct, the super-structure...is a Reaper."

"Not just any Reaper," Shepard says as it comes into view, "a human Reaper." 

Shepard was obsessed with old vids as a child, especially ones that dealt with subjects like aliens or AI gone wrong. The vids were horrible and cheesy but she loved them and her mother got her all of them that she could find. There was one series that she watched that stuck with her because the hero of the later ones was a kid. It was called _Terminator_. In the vid, the machines rose up against the humans who sent a man back in time to prevent the war. The machines found out about it and sent a robot in human form to stop him. When the outer shell of the robot is burned away, it revealed a thing that looked remarkably similar to this, though the Reaper is currently incomplete. Its spine hangs down below its ribcage but it has no hips or legs...yet.

The platform docks and EDI says, "It appears the Collectors have processed tens of thousands of humans. Significantly more will be required to complete the Reaper."

"It's too big for our guns, EDI. Find me a way to blow this thing to hell."

"The large tubes injecting fluid are a weak structural link. Destroying them should cause the supports to collapse and the Reaper to fall."

The tubes look like glass but have metal shielding that can be slammed down. They'll have to destroy them before the shields close. They fire quickly and the supports collapse as EDI predicted, sending the Reaper crashing down and cutting off its supply. "Shepard to ground team. Status report!" she says.

"We're holding," Garrus says, "but they keep coming. Make it quick, Shepard." She can hear gunfire in the background but he sounds calm. Of course, this is Garrus. He could have a Reaper on his ass and he'd be joking about it unless they were alone.

"Head to the _Normandy_ ," she tells him. "Joker, prep the engines. I'm about to overload this place and blow it sky high."

"Uh, Commander, I've got an incoming signal from the Illusive Man. EDI's patching it through."

She pulls up the control terminal from a base in the platform as Kasumi's holo displays the Illusive Man. "Shepard. You've done the impossible."

"I'm not finished here yet. This base is ten minutes from extinction."

"Wait. I have a better option. I'm looking at the schematics EDI uploaded. A timed radiation pulse would kill the remaining Collectors but leave the machinery and technology intact. This is our chance, Shepard. They were building a human Reaper. That knowledge--that framework--could save us."

"I came here to destroy it. But if you have another idea, I'm listening."

"We've won a single victory but we're still at war! This base will give us the technology we need to fight the Reapers."

He could be right. Any weapon in their arsenal could mean the difference between victory and extinction. And he's stuck by her thus far. "Maybe it's for the best," she says." A threat this big, rules go out the window. If this station can help stop the Reapers, we have to use it."

"You're making the right choice," the Illusive Man says and blinks out. 

She sets the radiation pulse and says, "Let's move. In ten minutes, the reactor core will fire a radiation blast that kills anything on board." She releases the control terminal back down and it seals. The platform shakes and there's a roar as the Reaper grabs onto the platform and rises, glowing. It's active! Adrenaline surges through her, followed by fear. How are they going to make it out of this one? It may only be a partial Reaper, but it's still a Reaper, and she only has Thane and Kasumi. Thane is tough and the best killer she's ever seen, but he isn't a heavy hitter. If Garrus were here, they might stand a chance but there's no way they're getting out of here alive. If the Reaper doesn't kill them, it'll take them too long to disable it and the radiation pulse will take them out. She gave them just enough time to make it off the station. At least Garrus and the rest of the crew are off. They'll be safe. She takes cover and pulls out the particle beam gun.

Thane and Shepard look at each other for a long moment. He knows their chances as well as she does and everything they wish to say to each other passes between them with a glance. "If we don't make it through this," he says, "at least we will go to the sea together." Shepard nods.

"Hit the eyes, Shepard!" Kasumi shouts. 

They begin firing and hit the eyes directly. It fires its laser at them and they dive for the ground. She can hear the seconds ticking off in her head. As soon as the laser vanishes, they're up and firing again. No hesitation, no fear, no question from either of them. If they go down, they're going down fighting and she'll be honored to go down beside them. Garrus and Grunt must have held the door because no Collectors come to back it up. It's just them and the Reaper. They fire and fire again. 

To her utter shock, the thing's head explodes and it goes down. At the last moment, its hand flies up and grabs the platform Thane is standing on and dislodges it. He's thrown from his feet and begins to slide toward the chasm. She throws herself after him, her eyes locked on his, her arm stretched out as far as it will go, grasping for his hand. His hand locks on hers as he flies over the edge and she grips him tightly. If they go down, they go together. She feels something grab her ankle as they jolt to a stop and looks over her shoulder to see Kasumi holding her with one hand and the terminal on the platform with the other. "I've got you, Shep. Pull him up."

Shepard pulls Thane up onto the platform and throws her arms around the other two for a brief hug but then an explosion from below sends their platform spinning and they're thrown off their feet again. The platform crashes into something and Shepard feels her head slam against the wall. White pain flashes inside her head before everything goes dark. She comes to an unknown time later and struggles to her feet.

"Do you copy?" Joker shouts over the comm. "Commander! Come on, Shepard, don't leave me hanging. Do you copy?"

"I'm here, Joker," she answers, looking for the others. "Did the ground team make it?" Kasumi rolls onto her side and sits up but Shepard doesn't see Thane. She scans the platform.

"All survivors on board. We're just waiting on you," Joker answers.

"Thane!" she shouts. "Where are you?" She goes to the edge and looks over, thinking he was thrown off, but doesn't see him. She scans the platform again and a flash of green catches her eye. She shouts his name and runs over. He's trapped beneath a piece of debris. "Help me!" she shouts and Kasumi adds her strength to Shepard's. Together, they wrestle the heavy piece of metal off of him. He doesn't move. Blood forms a dark red puddle around him. "Thane!" she shouts, kneeling beside him and pulling him into her arms.

His head lolls and his eyes blink open. They focus on her with some effort. "Siha," he breathes and coughs. Bright red blood spews from his lips. "Go!"

"We'll get you out of here!" she cries. "Just hold on!" 

"It is too late for me," he says, his voice laced with pain. "Leave me. You must go!"

"No! I won't leave you! That isn't the plan, remember? We go together! If you can't leave, I'm not going, either!"

"You must—" he breaks off into another fit of coughing. "You must go. Get Kasumi out of here. You must finish this." His hand raises, wavering, and finds her face. "My soul will find you, Siha."

"I'm not leaving you, Thane!" she insists, gathering him up and standing with him in her arms. He's heavy and so tall. It would be easier for her to put him over her shoulders, but she doesn't want to cause him more pain so she carries him like a child. "Go, Kasumi! Run!" 

A dark cloud of seeker swarms forms and Harbinger's voice emanates from it. "Human, you've changed nothing," it says as they run. "Your species has the attention of those infinitely your greater. That which you know as Reapers are your salvation through destruction." The Collectors chase them, firing, but she can't fire back with Thane in her arms. She just runs. She feels bullets punch through her armor and pain blooms but she doesn't stop. She has to get Thane and Kasumi to the ship. She can't stop now. She runs until her legs burn and her lungs scream for air and then she runs faster. She urges Kasumi ahead but the thief is with her every step of the way. Shepard glances back to see what she believes is the entire Collector force chasing them. Harbinger's voice echoes in her mind, trying to convince her to stop, but she ignores it. More bullets punch through. They're not going to make it.

Ahead, the _Normandy_ rises and the airlock door opens. Joker appears, holding a rifle. He shoots over their heads, mowing down Collectors and covering them. Kasumi sprints ahead and makes it through the door, but a huge piece of debris comes crashing down between them and takes out the platform attaching the walkway to the ship. She's going to have to jump. Putting everything she has into one final push, she maneuvers Thane over her shoulder and leaps, but his extra weight drags her down. She catches the edge and hangs with one hand but when she tries to tell her body to move, to climb up, it doesn't respond. Her hand slips. Bullets ping around her. They're going to fall. Then Kasumi grabs Thane and pulls him into the ship while Joker grabs Shepard's arms and hauls her up. The door slams behind them and EDI takes off. Shepard collapses onto the floor with Thane in her arms. He isn't moving, isn't breathing. She rocks him gently and yells over the comm for Dr. Chakwas.

"Detonation in ten...nine...eight..." EDI counts down. 

"Yeah, I get the gist of it, EDI!" Joker says. "Hold on!" They fly through the debris field as fast as they dare as the pulse from the explosion chases them. She can hear Joker praying that the relay lets them back through. Then there's a flash of orange and a blur of color as they shoot through it.

Dr. Chakwas and Mordin run over to the airlock where Shepard sits on the floor, holding her husband to her chest. "He isn't breathing!" she screams, hot tears bathing her face. "You have to get him to the med bay! He isn't breathing!" Mordin kneels behind her and begins removing her armor. She bats him away. "What are you doing? Thane needs help!" Mordin ignores her.

Karin kneels in front of her and says gently, "Shepard, there's nothing we can do. I'm so sorry."

"You're wrong!" she shouts, denial raging through her. She pushes Mordin away. "I'm taking him to the med bay." She struggles to her feet with him in her arms and stumbles.

"Thane is gone, Shepard," Karin says, her face full of sorrow.

"Gone?" she moans as the last of her strength fades. He's dead. Despair fills her. He's gone. He can't be gone. "Then bring him back! Get Miranda! We'll take him to Cerberus. Run the goddamn Lazarus Project on him!"

"Won't work," Mordin says. "Cost prohibitive."

"I'll sell them the goddamn _Normandy_! I don't care! Just bring him back!"

"Shepard, Thane is dead. You were not. Only mostly dead. Can't bring him back. You should rest." She feels a pinprick in her shoulder.

"Shepard, hold on!" Karin shouts as Shepard slumps over.

"What's wrong?" Joker demands.

She hears Mordin answer, "Shepard unable to accept loss of mate. Likely delusional from blood loss. Multiple gunshot wounds to various locations. Drugged her. Needs surgery now. Let's go."

Is this what it feels like for the soul to die? _Wait for me, Thane. I'm on my way._

___

Shepard hears a voice and opens her eyes slowly to bright white lights piercing them. Is this the afterlife? If so, she needs a pair of sunglasses. She tries to raise her hand to shield them but nothing happens. She tries again and it twitches. Why don't her hands work? Is she at the sea? She hear a faint murmur, but it sounds like the _Normandy_. That can't be right. Why does the afterlife sound like the _Normandy_? Not that she's complaining. Some of the happiest days of her life were on that ship. An eternity of Thane and Shepard cruising around on it with the rest of their crew doesn't sound too bad. She turns her head and that, at least, works. It blocks out a little of the light, too. 

"Doctor, Officer Vakarian," EDI's voice says, "my scans suggest that Commander Shepard is waking up. She may already be able to hear you." Why is EDI in the afterlife? She realizes she's in the med bay. She wouldn't need the med bay if she were dead. 

Garrus' head jerks up and relief floods his face. "Shepard!" He kneels beside her and takes her hand. She sighs. She's still alive. And now she has the rest of it to live without Thane. How did he do it? How did he survive losing Irikah? He got vengeance for her, but it couldn't have been enough. She's glad they destroyed the Collectors, but it doesn't lessen her grief over him or any of the others they've lost.

"She's fine, Garrus," Karin says gently. "Once the sedative wears off, she'll be good as new." Ah. She's been sedated, she realizes with a distinct lack of interest. That's why she can't move. She lays her head back. 

"What about the rest?" she asks dully.

"They made it," he says and she sinks her head back down onto the hard pillow and lets despair swallow her. 

She misses Thane. Every day without him weighs heavier on her mind. Missing him is like an open wound on her heart that refuses to heal or even scab. She remembers something he said once about preferring to spend a lonely night lost in the memories of another rather than staring at walls of plastic and metal. She didn't understand that then but she does now. Her nights are full of memories of him. Their talks in the life support room, coffee on the bridge in the mornings, battles they've fought, him standing in the kitchen with a white t-shirt stretched over his muscular frame as he cooked breakfast in Anderson's apartment, his smile, the night before the relay and the anguish on his face as he opened himself to her, the way his face lit on their wedding day, the words he said, all haunt her. They make her feel closer to him while reminding her that he is not here. She falls asleep with tears on her cheeks to dream of him and wakes in a cold bed to the reality that he is gone. 

She is not alone, though. Her crew makes sure of that. Garrus does not leave her side, though he is lost in his own grief for Tali. Kasumi is there much of the time as well. Having lost Keiji, she understands their pain. Miranda wanders in occasionally and Shepard hears her talking to Garrus about Jacob and Tali but can't bring herself to join them. Samara comes in to meditate beside her. Jack's death hits Zaeed hard. Grunt comes by once but seems confused at the sight of their mourning and doesn't stay. Mordin and Karin treat her in shifts. Shepard wishes that they would leave. They distract from her memories. She thinks of Jack, so tormented, and hopes that she has found peace. Of Tali, so sweet and innocent and loving. Of Jacob, so honorable, stubborn, and opinionated but always supportive once her decision was made. But most of all, she thinks of Thane.

When Karin has determined that she's fit to leave the med bay several weeks later, Garrus helps her out of the bed and slides his arm around her for support. She leans into him weakly, allowing him to support her as she limps out of the room. She just doesn't have any strength left to fight. What's left of the crew is waiting for them in the mess hall. They stand shoulder-to-shoulder, filling the open space but it still feels empty. When they see Garrus and Shepard, they salute as one. She lets go of Garrus and draws herself as straight as she can to return the salute.

"Thank you, Commander!" they all say as she passes by. 

She stops and looks around at them as they momentarily break through her grief. They did it. They got these back, at least, and they stopped the Collectors. "I am so proud to know and to serve with each and every one of you," she says. "You thank me for coming after you, but how could I have left you behind? You have all served with courage and honor and were willing to follow me into hell. There was no way I would have left you there. We did it, people! We stopped the Collectors and we've struck at the Reapers on our own terms. This mission was a...success...and it was due to the bravery and cooperation of all of you." Their cheer rattles the bay and drowns out even the sound of the engines.

She wakes the next morning alone in her cabin. The bed feels empty, cold, and too big. She misses Thane lying behind her, curled into her with his arms around her, feeling his deep, even breaths against the back of her neck as she settles deeper into his embrace. He held her in his sleep as if even that much time was too precious to lose. He was so different like this. The face he presented to the world was courteous and reserved, humorless. He took himself seriously and he killed without hesitation and with a feline grace that turned it into an art. When Thane Krios selected a target, he was death itself. 

But with her, he was different. He epitomized the saying about still waters running deep. He had a lightness to him, an openness and vulnerability. He didn't hold back. He didn't hide. She got all of him and he loved her with the passion that she could only wonder about a few months ago. What they lacked in time, they made up for in intensity. They packed every moment as full as they could to make up for all of those they'll never have. Her heart squeezes and her throat tightens when she considers life after him. It hurts to think of his light being extinguished, to know that she did not even have enough time to adjust to being wife before she must now adjust to being widow. He spoke often about leaving the world a better place than he found it, of casting light into the shadows, of leaving his mark. He's done all of that in her. Her world was better because of him and she wasn't ready to lose that yet. 

Oh, if only she'd chosen to leave him with the others. But she wanted him with her and now he's gone. She wanted to protect him and instead she lost him. She's made bad calls before, but this one will haunt her. She's alive and he's not. She thinks of all they lost. Thane, Tali, Jack, Jacob. Too many of her team gone, all of them her fault. If she had waited to test the IFF until the shields were upgraded. If she had sent Kasumi instead of Jack into the vents. If she had left Thane and taken one of the others instead of being selfish. But the Reapers are still out there. She's spent weeks wallowing her my grief down in the med bay. She has to pull herself together. She needs to cut ties with the Illusive Man. He won't be happy about it but she's paid her debt to him. "EDI, get me the Illusive Man."

"Yes, Commander."

She goes into the comm room alone. The ship still bears the wounds of the battle as Shepard does and wiring hangs freely, sending sparks crackling. She has to push her way through but the QEC still works. The star behind the Illusive Man glows a deep, sinister red. "Shepard," he says when she appears. "It's a new day and we have you to thank for our deliverance."

"Joker, lose this channel," she says a few minutes later, leaving the QEC. 

"Aye aye, ma'am."

"And call the crew to the mess hall. All hands on deck." It's the least damaged area of the ship. "We've got some decisions to make and we're going to make them together."

They're waiting for her when she arrives. Their faces are expectant. They won't all agree with what she's done but that's all right. She knows her path forward and she's going to take it. They can follow her or not but she's hopeful that most of them will. She stands on the raised walkway leading to the main battery so that she can be seen and can see them. 

"As of this moment, the _Normandy_ is no longer flying under the Cerberus flag. We will be returning to the Alliance. With the Collectors stopped, it is time for us to turn our attention to the real threat—the Reapers. In order to do that, we need the backing of the Council. I know that many of you are Cerberus people through and through and that's fine but if you wish to continue following me, you're going to have to walk away. Anyone who wants to stay may do so for as long as the Alliance allows. I will be working on getting a full pardon for each and every one of you who does so. If you choose to remain with Cerberus, you may leave the ship at any time but your final stop with us will be the Citadel. For any who choose to go, I wish you well. For those who want to stay, come see me and I'll get to work on that pardon."

"I'm with you, Shepard," Miranda says instantly. 

"So am I," says Garrus.

"Us, too," says Gabby of herself and Ken. Others follow. 

She had no doubts about her team but the number of those with the crew who choose to stay is staggering. Only a handful wish to leave. She makes a list and forwards it to Hackett, making sure to include every member of her team on the list for pardon. She won't have them punished for choosing to follow her. With that settled, they limp their way to the Citadel for repairs.


End file.
